Tuesday, November 26, 2013

It gets better, and other popular phrases

Nathan just walked up to me and after taking a drink from his water bottle looked at me expressionless and said, "welcome to earth" smiled, and walked away.

What a difference a year makes seems so cliche` but oh my hell the difference from last year to this year has been amazing.
I took all 5 of my kids to the pool Sunday and didn't get in the pool once.  now before you get all judgy on me.   They could lay down and walk on their hands with their heads out of the water in the kiddie area and the big kids are good swimmers and could touch everywhere they went.  PLUS.  There were only 12 kids in the pool tops (love Sundays in Utah) and 2 lifeguards watching and whistling at them every couple of minutes.  :)    I sat with a friend in awe of the entire experience.   How and when did we get to this point ?

Like eating dinner in a restaurant.    I compare it to leaving the house to run a quick and easy errand with toddlers and babies in tow.   It was this major freaking to do.   Packing and the crying and nobody listening and trying to get 2 in the car while at least one other child was getting undressed or had taken his shoes off in the house, which room was always a mystery.  And then while finding and redressing said child at least 1 if not 2 would escape.  Herding cats.   That's what it was like.   Eating out was always like this too.  It was something that always seemed doable and then once done we would reflect on it in horror and promise to NEVER EAT OUT FOR AT LEAST 5 YEARS !  Little did I know we only needed 1 year.  
Now I'm not saying that it's perfect.   We still have to remind them to "use your inside voices" and you'll occasionally hear us remind them to "get off of the floor and sit in your seats."   We will warn them that we will have to separate them or someone might have to go sit in the car.   but you know what.  nobody has ever had to go sit in the car.  We leave and we've all eaten....and I'm not talking x30 fast forward speed either.    I don't wish that I had partaken in several adult beverages before leaving. and whether we will go out and eat again isn't even on our minds because it doesn't matter.  We are managing.  Things are manageable.

Things change like, the writings on the wall.  literally.    With my first offender I remember asking her, Syd...why did you write on the walls ?  What went through your head that made you think that was a good idea ? Don't write on the walls anymore. repeat. repeat repeat.
When the big boys came around it was,  Guys.....don't write on the walls.  Can't we keep ANYthing nice. repeat repeat repeat.
The other day,
Spencer : Mom, Nathan wrote on the walls.   (we always know who the offender is because for some screwed up reason, they always sign their names to their art projects :)
Me : Will you please hand him the Mr. Clean Eraser.

Live and learn.   Shit happens.  

Look what we can do.

Monday night game night at our house has mostly consisted of physical games like monkey in the middle, colored eggs and hide and seek in the dark (my kids FAVORITE. the seeker gets a flashlight, hiders get 20 seconds to hide anywhere in the upstairs)
We however have finally reached an almost perfect age to play and enjoy board games.    Games will say that they are for ages 3 and up....but with the focus capacity and age appropriate frustrations it's just been too hard with 5 kids.    Now, still with a little help from a mom(s) game night has been elevated to a whole new level.  

I have tried really hard to absorb and appreciate these little people for the last 9 years.  Soak up and enjoy each experience. I don't ever want to forget and I will always treasure the time we've had.   but I gotta tell you.....this is nice....and I can't imagine how great it's going to be in 1 year.   or even 2.  Once again.  I still hear, "mom, Ryan just peed outside" and "mom Nathan is trying to get Lily to lick his butt" more than I'd like. Things are still hard, I still get frustrated and want to ring 1 if not 5 of their necks but it's better. and I don't feel guilty or bad for looking forward to the future instead of living in the here and now.  which I do.  because HELLO-O. it's here and it's now.   and speaking of now.  I've gotta go watch Despicable Me 2 with my brood because we moved movie night friday night to tuesday night because it's thanksgiving week and the kids don't have school tomorrow.

So.  I guess why I blogged was to say.  It gets better.  and I like it. and I'm thankful.  (deep happy sigh)

Monday, November 11, 2013

Thankful !

A month gone.   One whole month.  I've never been considered a broad of so little words.
I would like to say that I saved you from a bunch of unnecessary jumbled words or would be posts.   You're welcome.
I can't say that the next bit isn't going to be all exciting for you.  But I will use capital letters and explanation points because this post makes me super happy.

Parent Teacher Conference.   We are graded in numbers starting in 3rd before 3rd grade it's P = pass. Our grades convert : 4 = A, 3 = B, 2 = C, 1 = D.  Citizenship : E = excellent, S = satisfactory,  NI = needs improvement.
We first sat down with Sydney's teacher.   The first thing out of her mouth was....."this is going to be the easiest parent teacher conference of the night for me"
She went on to tell us how great Syd was doing.   How she NEVER gives straight E's and that she gave them to Syd.   She said, "if I could bottle her up and create a whole class just like her, I would"
NEVER people !  NEVER In My Life did I think that I would hear this from one of her teachers mouths.
We sat there, the top of my head a little numb, my heart filled to the brim with pride, in awe.   She got all 4's. She stays in from recess to get her homework done some days. (because she hates doing it at home, her teacher doesn't need to know that though :) And her teacher loves her.
WANTS TO BOTTLE HER PEOPLE !  Someone wants to bottle my kid up.   MY SYD !
Good lord, if only you knew what it's taken to get us here.  
I couldn't be prouder of my boo girl.   and more than that....she couldn't be prouder of herself and that just makes my whole heart sing.

Cam-man dude is still my lax kid.   Oh how I love having one.   All of you that have several can kiss my ass.  It's just not fair to give so many to one family.
His teacher only had good things to report.    His reading jumped up 3 levels in the first term.  I've often worried that he "zones" out in class.   He'll come home with unfinished work sometimes and I never know if it was something that should have been completed or was just something extra to do (which is what he tells me)  He is one that I have a hard time grabbing and keeping his attention.  "oh look, something shiny" is how we like to describe him.  "Squirrel"  :)  His teachers always tell us that he pays attention and gets his work done independently.  (relieved sigh)  Cameron's a good kid and is kind to others.   What more can I ask.

Spencer.   Spencer is 100% my kid.   I've known it for a long time.   People compare me and Syd, because of my behavior today....but when I was little I was like Spencer.   I understand how he thinks and what makes him tick.   Thing is.....Jan has the hardest time with him....so I remind her that if he bugs her...then I do too.   (a post coming later)
Spencer brought home 3 yellow cards the first 2 weeks of school.   (yellow is a warning)   It explains what he did, I have to sign it and send it back acknowledging that I saw it.  (shaking head)
The good news is that he stops at yellow.  :)   ha ha ha
The first thing his teacher said when we sat down was, "Spencer is the popular kid in class"  immediately knowing I corrected her by adding, "you mean he's the instigator, the ring leader ?"   She smiled and said that she was trying to be nice.   Oh please.   If I've heard anything in all of my years in school....I remember my parents being told these very same names.   The teacher says that if she can keep Spencer in control that the rest of the class stays pretty good.   So she has told him that he is a leader (mm hmm) and that he needs to be a good role model.   I hated all that came with this "role" and I'm sure Spencer will as well.   You get in trouble when several others are doing the same thing.....because you are the ring leader.   You are made to be the example.  
He'll survive.   Mostly because he's smart.   He's gone up 4 levels in reading which the teacher says she never see's.   He's reading at the top of the class.   He loves math (he does NOT get that from me) and does really well in it and everything else.    Like me, he's given an assignment and immediately gets to it.   He's usually the first one done (which I suppose gives him more time to mess around)  All in all....he's doing great.  He only got 2 S's in citizenship the rest were E's which means that it can't be too bad.

They all picked out books at the book fair.   Sydney got to pick the place and we went to dinner to celebrate the great parent teacher conferences.   She picked the Old Spaghetti Factory. (we got to sit in the trolley which for my kids was a special treat.   It also meant that we didn't sit at the same table. 4 to a table and we have 7.   I L-O-V-E that I can let them sit at their own table behind me and not worry about helping them order, or reminding them that we are in a restaurant and to behave.  I LOVE that)
For Sydney's perfect report card she also got a looming rubber band bracelet making kit.   It's the new boondoggle of the 20th century.   For some you might think we went over the top making such a big deal over her....but honestly....you have no idea how absolutely THRILLED we were/are.

This weekend also included an overnight babysitter (my mom) and the Hilton Wrap Party.    We didn't attend the festivities this year....instead we chose go to dinner together, do a little shopping downtown...and then met my older brother for "Thor".   (great and very funny movie) before crashing in our hotel room for a restful nights sleep.    We were back home earlier than we'd like the next morning for gymnastics and soccer games. :)  aaaah, but the break was nice.

I'd say, so far this November, I have a SHIT LOAD to be thankful for.   and not my shit load....someone who shits a satisfying big load.   like the lady on the poo pourri commercial.  a shit load like that.   That's how happy and thankful I am.

Friday, October 11, 2013

It's Coming out day(ly)

Oh it's not that ironic that I had a coming out moment just yesterday to share with you on Coming Out Day. :)

Spencer, my little friend maker, my invite a kid over kid....invited a new kid over.
The 2 boys talked on the phone..you know the routine, I hear on my side, "hey.  can you come over ? ok" and then I begin prompting him to, "ask him if he wants to walk home with you after school ? Make sure it's ok with his mom ? tell him that your mom wants to talk to his mom"
He handed me the phone to exchange information.  She seemed nice enough.  She wanted to walk them to our house so she could see where we lived...meet me.   I love that.  I'm more concerned if the kids parents DON'T care about that kind of stuff.
She sent me a text a few minutes after school let out to reconfirm where the kids were meeting.   Seconds later all 4 kids walk in the house.  "Aiden, where's your mom buddy ?"  "I don't know"
I text her back and let her know that they all arrived safely.   She showed up 3 minutes later.
She hugged and kissed him.  Repeatedly whispered little reminders to "be nice.  be kind.  listen.  clean up after yourself.  be polite."   
I was making dinner and needed to tend to it so she joined me in the kitchen and began talking about this and that.    I always have it in the back of my mind to wait for my "come out" moment.  You know...where you slip it into the conversation all smoothly that you are a 2 mom family.  I was waiting for that perfect segue.  "No, I stay home with the kids for now.  My partner works"  Or the best is when the little boys start flappin' their gums.  They'll tell anyone, the UPS guy, the Jr. High kid selling cookie dough. "We have 2 moms. a mom and I have a mommy J too.  She's not here right now."
Nothing.  not a chance to tell her.  and the whole time she's talking I'm thinking.  I wonder if Aiden has mentioned it.   My boys are pretty open about having 2 moms.   Maybe she already knows.  It's sometimes easy to get a starting point as to what she's been taught in utah by her religion. (not that all mormons are shitty about it) but I couldn't see her garments (mormon underwear) because she was dressed for the cold weather.  damn it.
She talked about schools and how she'd love to get her younger son into private schools. (she has a 1st grader and a 14 year old son who is in private school (several other issues with him) ) She began to tell me that she didn't like that the government can tell her what material her kids teachers should use.  (this is when my heart starts pounding and pumping blood through apparently my stomach because that was the only place I could feel it circulating.  Please god don't talk about politics. which normally I can smile and nod through...but if she'll talk this shit what else might she say)
She started telling me a story about a teacher who gave 2 examples of stories she was forced to read to her 3rd grade class as part of their curriculum.  The first story and I SWEAR all of the blood went from my stomach to my ears because they were beating fast and I was almost having a hard time hearing her because I just knew that the story was going to be about a 2 mom family.
The 1st story wasn't.  It was apparently about a boy, his parents divorced, his new stepmom didn't like the 2 kids.  The dad took them in the woods camping and left them there to survive on their own.  They then walked and found help and a new family who loved and cared for them.
(sigh)  escaped that one.
The second story was about a girl who was sitting on her bed and found a hair clip that wasn't hers and wasn't her moms.   Her mom and dad weren't getting along.  and the question was asked.  "What was Jenny's thoughts about the hair clip and what did it have to do with her mom and dad fighting ?"
Good lord.
I can guarantee you that our school district would not implement these stories to a 3rd grade class.   I have no idea where she found these stories.   She said it was on FB and not in the state of Utah.

After 90 minutes of chit chat :)  she left and I said, I'll befriend you on FB so that you can send me that information.
She left.  I sent the request.  she accepted.  and guess what.  she had posted something about dumb laws and included the ban on gay marriage.  (nice) 
Another hour passed and she came to retrieve her son.   She didn't say anything.   She didn't act differently.   She thanked me, said, "we'll need to do this again" collected her son and they left.

I don't know why I get so worried about it.   Oh right.  it's because it's my kid who will ask me...."mom, why can't I play with Aiden ?   Why won't his mom let him come over to play anymore"  and I worry that she'll tell him why and then he'll tell my son why and then my son will think that there is something wrong with our family.  right.  that's why.
We've been mostly lucky.   The little girl in Syd's 1st grade class who told her that she needed to go to church in order to play with her is in her class this year.   I've asked Syd how it's going and starting the year she said that the girl wasn't being very nice to her...but since then she's said that they play at recess.   
I forget that my kids have to come out each year with new kids and new friends too.   It hasn't been an issue until this year.   Syd said to me a couple of nights ago at dinner.   Mom, when I tell people that I have 2 moms they say that I'm weird and "that's so weird" and then walk away.   
I suppose the kids and I will all experience a little extra blood flow to our stomachs.   It sucks that there has to be a reason to worry.

Ok, because I am only now getting around to blogging this and I had started it this morning...I'll leave you with a couple of pictures from this morning.

Nateman came in with some dead bugs.....which is great because they won't move so we can really examine them.  We have a Kerr jar that the kids take out and catch stuff in.  We always check them out and then set them free.  Nate was cute and had the lid on the bottle...even though the spider and worm were dead :)  
I told Nate that we needed to REALLY look at those bad boys.  and out came the microscope. (everyone should have one.  get it on ebay. they aren't THAT expensive and  my kids LOVE looking at stuff under it.  hair.  skin. salt)

dead worm

dead woodlouse spider

It's a little freaky, I won't lie.  Especially for a recovering arachnophobe.  but super cool to be able to see all of the details and little hairs.
Cameron came home (he's my microscope/telescope/all things science kid) and was begging me to, "come and see it's extractor mom"  the extractor is apparently the mouth part. :)   He looked at that thing on and off until dinner...which he ate while looking at it some more.   Surgeon.  Yip.  He'd make a great surgeon. Or maybe a forensic guy. 

Friday, September 27, 2013

First snow

As you can tell from the tree....everything is confused.   Is it fall now, still summer, winter ?
It's 45 degrees right now.
Winters in Utah are always SO long.  We've had snow fall in May here.   I just want to add that if it's going to start early, at least let spring start in February.   I think I can handle that.    And whoever made up the rules to these 4 seasons, really needed to consider making Spring and Fall last a bit longer.   1-2 weeks just isn't enough.
I'm not ready for my house or more so my floors to be covered in gloves, boots and hats just yet.

I get to be the photographer at my grandma's 90th friends birthday celebration tonight.
It was supposed to be in her backyard.   needless to say (and with my picture above as proof)  it's been moved to the church.   I'm sure that the lighting will of course be perfect.  Not that I know shit about lighting....but I know that pictures taken outside at dusk with a beautiful surrounding yard as my backdrop would be a hell of a lot better than fluorescents and wood paneling.  (sigh) whatever.  They know not to expect too much.   Any advice ?

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Analyze this

I had a dream last night.   I was in bed and was so afraid, female instincts on full volume.   The first morning I awoke to a ripped screen in my bedroom window.  (the bedroom window 2 stories high in my childhood home)  I didn't know or couldn't explain how the screen had been ripped but tried to lock the window and was scared on high alert the next night.   Janice lay sleeping next to me without a worry.   My parents asleep in their room next to mine.  :)
The next night I heard something.   Felt the breeze from the window being open...didn't know if the person was already in my room or trying to climb through the window.   I was trying to scream and was shaking Janice to wake her up.   Noise finally came out and scared the would be intruder away.   I ran from the back of the house (my room) to my parents room and opened the curtains to get a better look at who it was.   There was a man.  I was just screaming....wild animal screams to let him know that it wasn't safe to come back for me....that everyone was awake now and that he couldn't get me.  I kept trying to memorize his license plate number as he drove away in his truck.   He gave me a second chance when he backed up and dumped logs of wood for a fire all over the front lawn. My dad finally woke up and we ran out the door....it was more like he was running and I was just following along with his journey as if I was watching it on TV.   He caught the guy.    When I went to the living room my dad was explaining to me that he wasn't trying to hurt me....he just wanted to show me how to turn the power to the house off.    His wife was sitting next to him....trying to believe her husbands accounts of the night and agreeing with my dad.     I screamed "NO !"  and pulled his wife up off the couch....lead her to the backyard under my window and showed her the things he had been stacking to get up to my window (bedding comfort sets :)  and that he could clearly reach the circuit breaker to turn the power off to the house by standing on his tip toes.    She believed me.   She didn't want to.
We went back in the house and I confronted the guy.   I asked him why he had matching comfort sets to the ones that I had from all different times in my life.    Mine from my first grown up bed....my big boys first bedding.....my current bedding.  
He admitted to trying to get me (I never understood what it was that he was planning on doing to me....but awake I'm pretty sure it's not good)  My dad arrested him...he's retired but still had handcuffs.  
As the guy was being lead away......he explained that he had found me through my blog and was able to find out where I lived and which room was mine all from following along.    
My dad told me that the first thing that I needed to do was to blog what had happened.....to scare everyone. He told me that after I did that I needed to make my blog private.

All night I ran from people.   From people trying to get me.  Diving on and off subways and buses and through buildings.   I'd lose one person and another would be right there to take their place in the hunt.

Whaddya think ?
Any ideas ?

My big boys started flag football.   I never worry that they'll struggle.   I suppose I'm lucky that way.  They seem to have enough coordination and natural talent to handle most sports.   We'll see if they pick a sport to stick with and how much energy and dedication they'll put forth later in life.   For now they are having fun.

Cam pulled the first 3 flags of the game.  He was on fire.  He's also got a foot on him....he can kick the ball really well.   He has this speed that he's holding back on though.   He'll run fast but just fast enough.  It's like someone needs to light a spark to set off his rocket booster speed :) ha ha
Cam heading for the flag

Cam with the flag
 Spencer has a mean arm on him.   Jan already has him pegged as quarterback :)  He was also instinctively good at following and defending the receiver down the field.   They can't tackle or push the guys away. (at least I don't think they can) but he did some fantastic blocking with his body.
Spencer as quarterback/his own receiver (per the coaches instructions...he wasn't being a ball hoggit :-)....he ran the ball a good distance down the field too

None of the opinions expressed are at all biased or prejudice AT ALL !  I'm simply recapping the events and can't help it if I'm their mom and think they are the cutest bestest ones ever.  :)

Syd really wants to play, I think we're too late now.   We'll see.   She was coaching her brothers on the side telling them to just pull everyone's flag.  ha ha  I suppose that's one way to do it.

And now...that strange guy with a lifetime of my comfort sets knows just a little bit more about me and my kids.

Monday, September 9, 2013

1 week ago Sunday, J and I hit our 16 year mark.
It went unrecognized for several days.    yes.  after 16 years.....every day is a celebration so what's an anniversary ?  just another day.
(insert sarcastic smirk)
sheesh.   there are so many excuses that we both came up with.   none of which made either of us feel any better about forgetting.   Thing is.  Neither of us felt too bad about forgetting.   We shared a shock and awe laugh and a belated chorus of "Happy Anniversary", and carried on with our day.
It doesn't however diminish the accomplishments that we have made over the last 16 years.   The commitment and work a 16 year marriage takes, neither of us take for granted.
We have a lot to be thankful for and I am certainly glad to be sharing it with her.  Lucky to have her share it with me.  and Happy to share the next 16 with her.

What a team we make !  Goooooo Us.
If I were picking teams....I'd go with us...we're much more consistent and stable.  :)

Friday, September 6, 2013

Tvins !

Someone asked me previously if I asked for my big boys to be placed in different classes. I didn't. I have decided that I will just let the school place them and if they are together...so be it. If not...great.
Spencer and Cameron have only made 1 or 2 comments about not being in the same class and it hasn't been emotionally troubling for them.
I like that they are in different classes. I like that it gives them space to be good at what they are and not comparing themselves with each other...which they really didn't do, but I did notice certain times when Spencer would bring home 3 reading books and Cameron would only have 2. Normally they are each given 2....I'm not really sure as to why a 3rd was given to Spencer but comments were made. "I got 3 books" And neither knew why Spence got an extra but I could see the wheels turning in their heads....trying to come up with an answer....pointing out the differences.
Spencer makes friends much easier than Cam. A lot of the time Spencer would make friends and then Cam would tag along. I want Cam to make his own friends. Currently they all play together with the same group at recess and that's ok. They'll branch out.
I encourage them to be different. To be an individuals. They are so different in looks that it's not hard. I have chosen not to dress them the same and they don't want to. They are starting to have certain clothes that are theirs and not the others. Certain shirts that they won't wear because, "That's Cam's shirt" when the shirt was bought for both and placed in their shared shirt drawer.
They always have each others backs when it comes to someone else. They get along so well together and truly are the best of friends.

My little boys now. They fight like crazy. They will turn on each other and join forces with their older siblings against the other in a heartbeat if it means that they are getting attention from the big kids. They have a harder time coming to compromises, a lot. They do play together. Twins are great because you do have a built in playmate.
For the last 45 minutes they have been taking cup fulls of water from my bathroom sink to the sand in the backyard...making quite the muddy mess. Ryan went to the bathroom to clean himself up and soon after Nathan came and asked me to "clean the bathroom because, Ryan made a mess in there." The bathroom now looks like the dog.  (sigh) They are currently getting themselves dressed and humming their own tune to whatever song is in their head.
They seem to follow pretty close with 2's company 3's a crowd when playing with friends or their siblings. Ryan has made comments to me, "mom, I want to go to Beckham's and I don't want Nathan to come" Nathan not so much. He usually asks Ryan to get his shoes on to go to Easton's. Ryan has also said to me enthusiastically, "mom, when I go to kindergarten I will have my own class...Nathan won't be in my school huh ?" which is HUGE because he has been my short leashed attached umbilical cord kid who HAD to sit by Nathan in pre school. He's branching out and I'm not only excited about it, but I encourage it and may ask that they be in separate classes in kindergarten. who knows. I may just play it out like the big boys and just let the school decide for me.

These 2 aren't twins...but such a cute picture...I had to include it. Syd and one of her BFF's.
I have a blog post coming about self worth. Get your thinking caps on.

***and apparently I must remind people that the pictures and words written on this blog are mine. You do not have permission to use any part of this blog without my consent. Thanks to Kendra who sent me a link to a craigslisting in HOUSTON, of all places. who had been using a picture of my big boys when they were young in a Foster/Adoption ad.   So strange. After an email and a phone call it was removed.  There are several pictures on their website and I'm sure none of the people on it know that they are. Either way. Stop using my kids. (even as tempting as it is with all of their super cuteness)

Thursday, September 5, 2013

My kids

Nathan :  I wish that Syd's name was Mama, and Mama's name was Mama and Mommy J's name was just Mommy J and Spencer's name was Jackson and Ryan's name was Jackson and Cameron's name was Jackson and my name was Gaybop.

Ryan : Mom, I wish that you were my age so that you could be my girlfriend.

Cameron : Hey Mama, what's shakin' bacon.

I'm not exactly sure why he was disappointed but I'm glad he's able to express his feelings

Nathan : Ryan.....smell my finger.

Nathan : Mom, Ryan just peed outside.

Syd :  All you ever do is play Candy Crush
Ryan : No, sometimes they play Pet Rescue.   huh mom?

Monday, September 2, 2013

Growing up gay in a straight world

It's always so fun to hear about people's coming out stories.    Or watching a movie about someone's first gay experience.  be it a feeling, a kiss whatever.   I get butterflies in my stomach and my blood rushes through my body and like always settles somewhere in my collar bones. (I have no idea why)
I'm so happy that I am able to feel that today.   Feel happy about being gay.  Because the fact is, being gay is hard.    Now I'm not talking about hard in the sense that your mind probably shot to.   Oh god it's another political outcry from some pissed off lesbian who wants fair and equal treatment.    No.  Not this post.
I just want to tell you what being young and being gay was like for me.

Being gay when I was young was hard.   It was hard because I had NO IDEA what the hell I was feeling.   There weren't examples of same sex couples on TV.  In the movies. No lesbian Disney princesses to look up to.   I mean....there was Mike Brady, Darrin Stephens and Cagney and Lacey.    because come on....even as a child I could see right through that shit.  It's gaydar.  It must be a gift one gets at a very young age. ;-)

I don't remember being taught about gay people or about them being bad or going to hell until I was older so I really didn't have any idea what I was feeling.  Except for the sprouting breast seeds of the new and older girl across the street, through a heating blanket.

When I imagine being gay, being true to my feelings when all I was taught and shown were examples of a straight lifestyle....in a straight world....by straight people, amazes me.    That is some seriously genetic gayness.   When I did discover what gay was.....I was immediately turned away from it.   It's evil.  Satan's plan.  They'll all go to hell with the murderers, child molesters and lets not forget those who commit suicide.
And like the unclenching desire to masturbate, there was no denying who I was.  So I guess I'll go to hell.

It's not that easy though.   When you have your head full of fear of letting everyone down.   God himself.  Our Eternal Father, hating you for who you are. Ready to send you to hell for your thoughts and actions.  The sadness you would no doubt fill the lives of those who "care" about you.   The feeling of rejection and disgust and guilt.  Because being gay is wrong and sick and shameful to my family.

So....I tried to end it.  Twice.
I'm not sure if it was fate or being young and not able to swallow an entire bottle of pills at a time.  Taking 4 at a time until I was too drunk to take enough to finish the job just didn't do it, I lived.   I didn't want to die.   I didn't want attention.   I just didn't want to live with all of the negative that was being me and not able to celebrate the joy I felt in being the authentic me.  

I'm so glad that there are more examples of gay people today.   That kids today might just have someone in their neighborhood to look to, to say...hey, they're gay, and they're living a real life.  and maybe I can too one day.
Maybe.  just maybe.  instead of sucking air through their teeth and saying how disgusting we are.  Those parents to those young gay kids will say nothing at all.  Or say something nice.
Because when you are young.  and you are gay, it's the words that you say that cut so deep.  Do you know how bad it hurts when the ones that you love and look to for support tell you without knowing that you are gay, that those gay people are evil and unnatural.  Satan's followers.  

I still remember watching a show with my dad when I was young.    My dad was talking about how amazing her voice was.   I looked at the TV and said...that's not a girl dad....he's a boy.  and my dad said.  No it's not....she has one of the best voices today.  My mom was saying something about "I don't know why she has to dress like that.  or act like that."  or something judgemental and I said.  but dad, she's wearing a boys suit and her voice is like a boys.  He didn't go into the wrongs or rights of it.  He just said, so...and kept talking about the range and power in her voice.
It was the first time I'd heard KD Lang sing :)   I will always remember how that made me feel to hear him not care about her being a her but looking like a him.    Obviously my gaydar was going off and I liked that he still liked her.

When you sit in church or in front of a TV show or movie.  and you agree or maybe you just don't say anything at all when negative words are spoken about gay people.   If you make a joke or laugh at one.  Or maybe you are quietly discussing it while your child sits in the other room listening.  You just said and agreed to those same hurtful words to and about your gay child. And they are paying VERY close attention and listening. And the permanence of what you said without knowing what you did, could be putting that same compromise in their heads.  and later on in life they may not be afraid to swallow a ton of pills at once.  or worse.  

I don't know how to help you not teach your child what you were taught and believe to be right and wrong.   I don't know how to help you embrace the fact that she was born that way.   That he can't change.   That there is a place without shame in your family for your gay child.  but I do know that it would have been a LOT easier  had I not had to go through the last 20 years trying to prove myself.  Trying to prove TO myself....that I am not sick and twisted and selfish and going to hell.  I am done fighting for who I was born to be.  even though it wasn't who they wanted.  and that even saying that still hurts.  because not being enough sucks, especially when you have no control over it.

Love your kids UNCONDITIONALLY people.   because being gay IS just as good as being straight.
(and, stepping off of my soap box) I'm pretty much preaching to the choir because I don't know that those reading here needed to read this.   I just had to get it off of my chest.   Thank you for listening.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Learning to say goodbye. again and again.

Our sweet Lucille died today.   We are still unsure as to what happened and shocked and sad.  They typically live 10, even 14 years.
She was not acting right and feeling well last night and this morning was much worse.
I took her to an exotic animals hospital and by the time I got her there and they took her back she had passed.

I know she's a lizard and she was Sydney's....but I did most of the work (as is the case with most young kids and pets) and grew quite fond of her.   I stood in the vets office (no charge), the vets assistant asked what I wanted to do with her, I told her that I wanted her back and when she left, as hard as I tried, a lump grew in my throat and tears filled my eyes.
I held it together but when I got in the car and laid her on my lap (in a towel) and called to tell Jan...I lost it.   I couldn't hide the quivering in my voice when I talked about what happened and had to wipe tears from my cheeks. :(   I was sad for Sydney,  I knew how hard this was going to be for her.   and I think that post trauma thing from putting Sadie down just recently came back too.

Sydney had a birthday party to go to after school today and as luck would have it went home with her which helped us keep it from her so that she would enjoy her time with friends.  and she did.
When she came home we had moved Lucilles cage out of her room and cleaned up some of her things...we walked her to her room and she looked around and said, "what. what is it ?  where's Lucille ?"  I told her that she died and she started to cry and came over for a hug.
We found a nice place to bury her in the backyard.   The boys weren't aware or invited to our little ceremony.  (mainly because we didn't want it disturbed later) and the 3 of us said one last goodbye to Lucy.

Afterwards, Syd got in the tub and I heard her crying hard...the ugly cry, and then I cried.  because she was crying.  and now I'm teary because I'm typing it.
All because of a LIZARD !   What the hell people.
Any ways...Syd is asleep.   She told me that she would miss her red lights at night...they helped her sleep.  and that she always loved it when she woke up at night to see her there.   That is right before she would come into my room and climb in bed of course. (another story another day maybe)

Goodbye sweet Lucille.   We are all going to miss you.
A year ago, when we first got Lucy

Thursday, August 29, 2013

First week of school down.   39+ weeks left.
As far as I'm concerned....the first week was a success.

Funny story.   We were asked to send a snack for the first couple of weeks for the boys.   Something to help them transition into full days at school.    I packed their lunches and then put some crackers in a separate baggie in the side of his backpack fully explaining that their lunch is for lunchtime and their crackers were for snack time.
Cameron ate his lunch and snack for snack time and then got himself hot lunch for lunch time.   WTH. :)
He apparently needs a bigger snack.  
Spencer felt bad that he didn't get hot lunch so the next day I let them all have hot lunch.   Today I packed their lunches and again repeated that, "your snack (Cameron) is in the side pocket of your backpack (Cameron) this is your lunch (Cameron) to be eaten at lunchtime."

Sydney wrote this card for me and surprised me over the weekend.   She even had Mommy J help make me a morning smoothie.
These kind of things bring such balance when it comes to my Syd.    She's pretty amazing.

I will have 2 hours today.   2 full hours.   I imagine my time spent buying birthday presents and cleaning the house.   J's family is coming over for dinner tonight and the kids are so excited.   They love their California cousins.
I really need to take those 2 hours and sleep or watch a movie as it will come to an end soon.   My wife is forcing me back to work.   Let me rephrase that.   Forcing me to work for pay.  :)   She has been asking me when I'm going to "go back to work" since the big boys were babies.   We've both known that it wouldn't work trying to pay for daycare, but now that the kids are in school....we'll have to see how it goes.   In 2 years there won't be any excuses, as all of my children will be in school full time.
More to come when that comes.  

Well. I played baseball with my little boys and in turn played fetch with Lilly, blogged and simultaneously ate breakfast (clearly I'm a multi tasker) I suppose I should get out of my pajamas and be productive.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

It happened

The big boys started first grade today.  Syd started yesterday.
FINALLY...sheesh.  Are we the very last to start school ?
It feels like everyone has posted first day pictures for weeks.

They all seem to like their teachers.   I've only met the boys' and both seem to be very nice.
The other FANTASTIC thing is.....Cam's teacher is mentoring Spencer's teacher, so most of their classwork and schedules are the same.   :)   That will make it a LOT easier for this mama.

Everyone was SUPER excited to go today.   They left 37 minutes early for school, and that was after forcing them to take one more picture, just one more picture.

Cameron, Spencer, Sydney, Nathan and Ryan
1st, 4th and pre K

my kids being my kids :)

photo bomb

Monday, August 26, 2013


Watch this video without the presence of children or anyone else around who may be offended by same sex talk and or the f-word.
Too funny.

Monday, August 19, 2013

There's 104 days of summer vacation and school comes along just to end it.

And we are down to our 97th day of summer.

I'm going to say something.   I'm going to say it out loud.   I mean, this could be really big and by saying it I could be jinxing all of it.  Seriously, the balance and rotation of all things normal could be thrown into a frenzy of events leading to the same situation that once was.
Here goes.  (deep breath)
I'm not looking forward to school starting this year.  (hands now covering my head...panicking...waiting for the roof to fall in on me...slowly peeking through squinched eyes)
(sigh) nothing happened.

I have had the best summer with my kids.   You may remember how previously I couldn't wait until the kids were in school. here and here.  Going back to school always won out.   It was harder to have them home all day and that just isn't happening this year.   Which means.  WHICH MEANS PEOPLE.  That it's getting easier.  (dope...I did it again...I used my inside voice)
Now, if you want to think about it this way......you could say that the kids are getting easier.
OR.  you could say that the hardships of school are getting worse.   I mean...I will have 2 more lunches to pack.   I will have more homework and from, now, 3 teachers.  (the boys are in different classes this year...happily)
It's been nice flying by the seat of our pants.   We've done lots of traveling and visiting and camping.
Bedtime has been slipping and the idea of getting back on a schedule also read as -  making sure everyone is dressed by 8:20 am and fed every morning is going to pinch me in the soft part under my arm a little bit.

I'm going to miss my big boys being gone all day too.   I liked having them around for the afternoons when they were in kindergarten.   They were fun...and helpful....and easy.

I guess what I'm saying is.   don't expect another dumb video of my happy ass dancing because I'm getting a few more hours without my soon to be first graders.
You can expect one next year when the littles go to kindergarten though, for SURE.

P.S. my little boys start pre school today.  2 hours might just be enough.  :-)