Bargaining with God

I came across my baby journal. It was a journal I had kept when I was trying to conceive my daughter. It is so amazing how far I've come since that day.
How much we struggled, how many times we cried.
TOTALLY WORTH IT !


Today is the 22nd of April 2003.
I’m on day 8 of my cycle. 3 days of clomid. Weeks away from knowing anything.
I find myself feeling guilty for not praying regularly. I feel in a way like I was using God and my prayers to grant me a wish. To make things be ok. The truth is I still talk to God, I still make quick contact to ask him to make everything work out. Is that fair? Am I using him again? I hope he doesn’t feel that way.
They tell you that the first couple of months/cycles after miscarrying give you your best chances of getting pregnant again. I’m so scared. I’m so scared that I won’t be able to get over a negative test, of starting my period. I’m afraid of hitting the bottom so hard that I will only make things worse with stress and depression.
Isn’t that funny, this seems harder to get through than the D&C.

I think about that pregnancy all the time. I’d be going on 5 months. I’d be showing.
My friends ***** and **** are 6 months pregnant. They tried for 13 months, 4 with clomid to have this baby. They deserve this.
There are so many people that are talking about getting pregnant right now. I’m jealous and bitter and I don’t even know their situations. Have they struggled as much as we have, have they lost a baby?
I feel horrible to place judgement on them for wanting a baby and not having to work at it.
I thought this would be so easy.

I also know that I will make a fantastic mother. I know that I have this unconditional love inside of me and I have this need to share it with someone else. (hopefully 2 someone else’s :) This is what drives me.
I have such great support from my wife. I think she wants this more than me. Ok that’s pushing it. She wants this as much as me though, and I never thought that she would get to that place. I figured she would be content and loving. She’s very good at that.

I’m in nursing school. I hope all of the hours in work and school won’t cause problems on top of everything else.

I just want to keep begging, to God, to a higher power, to my baby floating around waiting to be placed inside of me. Please, please let this be the one. Please keep it safe and deliver it in to the world with no complications.
Please. Please. Please

Juggling Act

Today is a juggling act. I can actually juggle....this however requires more talent than I hold.
My twin boys are sick. They are equally miserable, and equally demanding of my time. Besides the normal day to day diaper changes, bottles, food, and rotating from lap to bouncy seat to floor that I do with them....I now get to throw in administering medicine, nose blowing, and holding 24/7 to my to do list. Remember that's all x2.
And now what to do with the 3rd ball. The sweet little girl who has been pushed aside the last couple of days has now decided to act out. She's been so sensitive to everything, every time mommy can't meet her needs immediately everyone hears about it. Right when I get everyone calm and sit down to read or play with her someone starts yelling. Poor Syd.
There are times during the day that I feel as if all of my balls are in the air and my hands are tied. I just can't get to everyone. Calgon just isn't singing my song anymore. This is bigger than Calgon. This calls for little blue prescription pills.
(Note to self....get little blue prescription pills)
My new song is one from Finding Nemo. It's a song I come back to every now and then to get through tough days.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming,swimming, swimming"

Rub a Dub Dub, 3 Babes in a Tub

Cool Slideshows

This blog is going to be my way of posting pictures.
No stories...Who wants to hear about how the three of these babies slipped and slid all over the tub, and how their big sister kept laying them down in the water because she likes to lay down in the water. How you must be prepared and have someone standing right there towel in hand, because you can't get even one out and leave the other two alone. Or even step a foot away from the tub to grab a towel.
How we have discovered that the boys are ok with large quantities of water poured on their heads. They even seemed to like it.
I thought that now that the boys are sitting up in the bath tub, I could get them all in and bathed together. Time saver really.
RIGHT !

What do I say on my first post.
I was a lurker for a while. I looked for blogs that were similar in circumstance to my own situation, and would read for some answers or some affirmation that my life is going in the right direction.
I don't know what I'm looking for in the blog world. Maybe it's just an avenue to vent.....an outlet for a stay at home mom who gets little or no outside contact to talk.....or maybe to get some sound advice from those who have gone before me. OR it's a place to post pictures of the cutest kids ever.

My family :
Me and my wife (commitment ceremony in Las Vegas) have been together 9 years. We struggled for 6 years to conceive my daughter. I had unexplained infertility. We went through a known donor, several unknown donors and finally became pregnant with an unknown donor from back east.
I have always wanted children (4) and was able to convince my wife that we needed 2.
After more struggling and near financial ruin :) we were down to our last and only biological sample from the same donor. (we wanted biological siblings)
We were on a waiting list but our donor had finished his donations and we didn't know if there would be more.
The ball was put in to play and through IVF I conceived my 2 baby boys. 2 embryos inseminated.....2 embryos implanted.
We have 5 frozen embryos in holding. I have my hands full with 3 under 3, but have this innate feeling that we have another little baby out there that wants to become a part of our family.
Now if I can convince my wife of that.

This is my journey. This is our Full House. draft by K J and the kids 9:27:00 AM Delete