10 reasons U know it's been too long since you've Showered

#1 You are wearing mascara and you haven't applied it since Monday.

#2 You hear yourself say things like - Why do I do the laundry when I never dirty any of the cloths.

#3 While lounging with your hands behind your head, you get a whiff of some sort of bacterial fungus growing in your armpits.

#4 You notice that it's been several days since you've answered your door or made an appearance around others for fear you'd scare them off. You even have started hitting the floor when a doorbell rings on the TV.

#5 Your best feature can no longer even be considered distance

#6 Your hair is greasier than Southern Fried Chicken and has to be washed several times to get completely clean.

#7 It's gone WAY beyond that not so fresh feeling.

#8 It looks like several birds have now taken shelter in your hair and sometimes while scratching you question whether they really have...finding small pieces of wood chips and strings.

#9 When you do finally brush your teeth they feel slickery like when you got your braces off.

#10 You do finally shower and your babies have to stare in your eyes, like beauty to the beast, when he transforms in to the prince. Like....mom, I know you are in there.....is that you.


UPDATE ! 2pm ! (with song)

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and GAY !

Oh yes I did....I showered.
The boys will wake up and wonder where their mother went...but once lunch stains take form on my shirt all will come back.

Look into My EYES !

Donor brown eyes. brown eyes across the board
Bio Mom brown eyes. brown eyes across the board

Sydney, green/gray eyes.
Spencer, brown eyes.
Cameron, blue eyes.

NON BIO MOM...the bluest eyes.
I keep saying that we were doing it right all along.

Memorial Weekend !

Kids, playhouses, and more kids.
That about sums it up.

The neighbors spent the entire weekend at or in my house playing with the kids.
It was nice, but not so much. I had kids 9 and under trying to play house with REAL babies. The boys were such good sports.
It allowed me to HELP build the playhouse...as it was my intent and goal to get it finished this weekend.
(hold please....I'm getting my wife so that she can tell you. J, come here.....now type what we talked about...remember)

"K helped out SO MUCH ! I couldn't have done it without her. She not only measured, screwed screws, hammered nails, cut wood, stood on REALLY tall ladders, painted, PAINTED some more, held pieces of lumber, read directions, painted SOME MORE, and sanded....but her ideas and suggestions were key in building the PERFECT playhouse.

(don't forget about the blood)

RIGHT, she even bled, I count points for bleeding.

(did you remember to write about the painting)
yes, I mentioned it A LOT in the aforementioned paragraph.

(thanks baby...you are dismissed)

ahem....so any ways. I helped A LOT ! It really was thanks to our wonderful little people friends that I WAS able to help. I'm just glad that we all survived.
Here is a picture of the playhouse.
We still have to finish the swings, the doors, and get the bark and sand box filled.
It's SUPER cute.
The 'Secret' worked. I kept thinking in my head of what I pictured....(I also scribbled it down on some paper and told J over and OVER EXACTLY what I wanted)
and LOOK....it is EXACTLY what I wanted. GOOOOOO SECRET !


Hope everyone had a GREAT Memorial Day weekend.

I FORGOT !!!!! I TOTALLY FORGOT !!!!!
I got to hold baby RILEY ! :) She is DARLING. ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.
I held her in amazement....it really is a miracle. She looks fantastic. You would have NO idea that she was once supposed to have something wrong with her. No signs of the hygroma, and home and happy....unbelievable.
Shelly and Dee are TOTALLY playing the role of first time parents. They are a crack up and SOOOO happy.

Little Boys !

I have had 5 little boys (ages 6-4) playing in my backyard and now as I type this I can hear them trying to make their way in through our doggie door.
Am I ready for this ?
One of them held a bucket of water behind himself and slowly poured it while squatting, giving the illusion that he was.....PEEING !
Yes and 5 minutes after he did this, my sweet little growing tomboy repeated it, saying "look mommy, it looks like I'm pee peeing."
"GREEEEAT honey!" clenched teeth smile.

They knock on my door all day....can we play with Sadie, can Syd play, are Spencer and Cameron awake. Before even answering, if someone is in arms length to the door they reach in..soon an arm, followed by a head, and then an entire dirty, home from kindergarten body makes it's way in to my house.....followed by 3 of his friends.
Surprisingly the 6-12 month toys keep them quite entertained.
THIS is going to be my life full time soon !!!
My children will be bringing home 2-3 friends to play...they will fill my house eat my food and bring noise and chaos to our already chaotic lives.

I think Cooper is stuck in the doggie door. I wouldn't worry about freeing him, however the screaming for help is going to wake up my kids. (all of whom are sleeping).....or make that WERE sleeping.

FUCK !

Old joke, same results

Me and Syd were playing catch in her room. She usually does pretty well, but was off on her game today...I said, "keep your eye on the ball"
She did just that ! :)


What do you get when you put 3 kids in a room for 5 minutes.
A BIG MESS ! Nothing on the floor.....5 minutes later...everything on the floor.
It's like magic. Is there a Mr. Clean sponge for this ? :)

Rice Crispy Squares and lies...lies....lies !

Last night
J had asked me to make her rice crispy squares....as they are her favorite treat. :)
With dinner, the library, feeding, changing, reading, rocking, putting babies down, cleaning up, it was 9:30 pm and no rice crispy squares.
I decided to surprise her and started making them that late any ways.
J came in the kitchen with a big grateful smile on her face and we talked while I stirred the melting goodness.
Sydney who we thought was asleep piped in, "MOM, WHAT'S THAT?" she called from her room.
"I'm doing dishes honey." I lied....thinking she could hear the pan rocking back and forth on the stove. (I know, I know...shut up)
"WHAT ARE YOU COOKING?" Syd yells again.
"I'm just doing dishes.....you should be sleeping."
After a quiet moment Sydney calls out, "I SMELL SOMETHING!"
Me and J laugh hysterically, like we'd been caught.
"It's just dish soap." my lie grows....(just like they tell you they will)
J eats the spoon and I cover the rest until morning and we go to bed.

This morning
I crawled in bed with Syd, tickling her back and stroking her hair trying to wake her up. She stretched and rolled over but would not wake up.
"I made you rice crispy squares for breakfast." I whispered.
In her most shaky and still 1/2 sleeping voice, "rectangles ??......the sticky ones?"
Now smiling all the way to my heart...."Yip baby....sticky rectangles."

These simple conversations are the things that make me want to squeeze her whole body, and kiss her face off.

What I learned this weekend !

This blog is about a few things that I learned this weekend.
For instance.
I learned that friends or no friends.....playing a game of 300 (football) brings out the competitor in me and I could really hurt someone shoving them from behind.
I kept telling myself....DON'T do that...you could really hurt someone...and the ball would be thrown high....spiraling down towards the earth in this slow motion speed....as everyone scrambled towards it's landing position...I would uncontrollably slam the person closest to the catch in the back and ultimately miss catching the ball myself. I watched the person whom I just pushed, jut forward back arched nearly bending in half as they would stumble to catch their footing. The play would come to a stop and I would once again tell myself that I've got to STOP PUSHING before I really hurt someone !

I learned that when your friends have a baby, it can be just as exciting and scary as when you had your own.














I learned that friends who know how to cook are friends to keep forever.

I learned that I'm not the only one who considers someone farting in front of you a sign of true friendship.

I learned that there are some Hawaiians who are actually go getters ! ha ha And may even go as far to say that those same people have a slight case of OCD ! Who knew !

I learned that you can buy the barbie helmet and put a kid in dance class....but that won't stop her from loving Diego over Dora and choosing green as her favorite color.

















I learned that if your baby is getting over a HORRIBLE case of diaper rash and diarrhea, that just because he recently went doesn't mean that it's ok to let him air dry while you get his brother changed. (can you say crib sheet, bumper pad, carpet and wall)

I learned that if you help your wife with a playhouse....because it is her project she won't give you ANY credit for helping. ahem ! Even standing on a ladder 3 stories high....WHEN YOU ARE SCARED OF HEIGHTS ! AND YES....repeatedly bringing drinks, Popsicles, and good company COUNT as helping.















I learn more and more every day. I hope you can learn from my sometimes bad example.

New Arrival !!!

(You can see pictures of this beautiful baby at 3 Dogs, 2 moms, and 1 baby)

YEAH !!!! SHE'S HERE SHE'S HERE !!!!!
Riley Jo was born at 8:55 am
She came in weighing 8lbs 3 oz
She is 18 1/2 inches tall.
Riley got an 8-9 on her apgar only because of her coloring.
She has NO hair...baldy.
Shelly and Dee are doing well....and baby Riley is doing GREAT !!
I am so happy this outcome is a good one. What a hurdle jumper that baby is.

MY FIRST BLOGGED VIDEO !!!!

MY FIRST VIDEO !!!!! I hope this works.
I uploaded video of Spencer doing the bobbin head.
When he says dadada he bobs his head like one of those split head cartoons.
He has also learned the word "NO" already ! :) Well in a shake your head kind of way.
Such a cute boy ! (ps...the images are really blurred...can anyone tell me why and how I can fix it)

Basketball and Bullies

CONGRATULATIONS UTAH JAZZ !!!!!! WOO HOOOOOOOOO
It has been a scary and exciting series between the Jazz and the Warriors.

My wife had a VERY important basketball game last night as well. She plays on a city league game and was tied for 1st place with the team they had to play. Whoever won would be the champions. Our team has usually won 1st place. :)

The team they played was a group of high school seniors and or recently graduated basketball players that have played together in school and were coached.
Our team consisted of 6 players 3 of whom could barely walk. We have 2 other players but one was in a pretty bad car wreck the night before (roll over) and the other one has pulled ligaments and an ankle that's more swollen than Kirstie Alley in 2005 on her period. (I'm not naming names...but our team is aged also...ha ha)

The chips were stacked against us and cheap shots were being thrown harder than Robert Horry and Baron Davis combined. One of our players was thrown out in the last few minutes of the game. She had been beat up and then thrown out. I was livid....holding both boys I screamed at the official to watch #40. She was throwing more elbows than the macaroni grill.
It was down to the wire. We only had 5 players, there was under a minute in the game, and we were up by 2 points. J had the ball and was taking it down court. #40 knew that she had to foul to try and stop the clock. She ran over and slammed J throwing her out of bounds and in to a brick wall. "OH HEY.ELL NO !" were my exact words. The official looked at me (still holding my boys) and then warned #40 (you know who you are beaaach) that if it happens again she's out. I DIDN'T KNOW that you could get a flagrant warning, but apparently so.
I told the girl sitting next to me to "Hold my babies, I'm kickin her ass !" You see now she made it very personal ! You don't mess with my wife !
#40 glanced my way and after loosing the game :) oh yes they did....she snuck out.
I think she knew that I was freakishly strong. OH, did I mention....I'm freakishly strong.
Any hew.....we're number 1, we're number 1 we're number 1!
Love my Twins is a critical player on our team. I call her the Kirilenko of the team. She's all over the place. :) Kelly Belly doesn't play...but her wife does. (she was one of the hurt players...poor thing)
Good Job Team ! YOU ROCK !!!!!

Look mommy !

I was putting lotion all over Sydney after bath time. She decided to do some exploring with her fingers and soon found a hole to stick her finger in.
Very excitedly, "LOOK MOMMY A HOLE!"
"Sydney, don't stick your finger in there....it's yucky."
"There's a hole!"
"Yip, that is where your poop comes out."
Sydney sat for a minute, scratched..."It's like an owls hole"

I IMMEDIATELY started cracking up. It sounded too close to as2hole that I couldn't help it. Sydney recognized that she said something funny and repeated several times in tune, "owls hole, owls hole, owls hole!"

Now I have to tell you....she hasn't HEARD the term as2hole in reference to her body parts. She is very much in to the dark circled holes with eyes in them. They are in her books, on movies, her computer game has a whole portion with the eyes in the dark that she obsesses over.
It was as innocent as she is......but to her immature mother it was a good laugh.

Pedi's and Breakfast

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day !

I took my own advice and surprised my wife with breakfast and pedicures.
Our niece came over and watched the kids so we could take the morning to spend some time for ourselves. aaaaaaahhhhhhh.

Sunday we spent the day with my family. It was my sister-in-laws birthday so it was a joint effort in celebrating.

Best present. Syd made me a card with her handprints.




Poem reads :
Sometimes you get discouraged
Because I am so small
And always leave my fingerprints
On furniture and Walls

But every day I'm growing
I'll be grown some day
And all those tiny handprints
Will surely fade away

So here's a little handprint
Just so you can recall
Exactly how my fingers looked
When I was very small.

Is that the sweetest poem.



As requested I'm posting a picture of the playhouse thus far.
J wasn't able to work on it this weekend for more than a couple of hours because we had so much going on. She wants another 2 days off to get it done.

The roof is on, and the deck floor is just about done.

Happy Mothers Day

Blogger buddies

Just had to share.
My blogland flesh and BLOOD friends....yes...they are not computer animated people...they are REAL people...like you and me...WAIT, no, like me...but not like you. OH hell, I'm so confused. (I have a headache and need to go put a cold beer on it)
They are all very nice and we have such a good time together. It was Friday night gay park night.
Me, Merr, Ky, and Ky's wife Becky. (also their adorable little Turtle who turns 2 this weekend. Happy Birthday guy !

Gotch-ya !

I know, you are ALL wondering where I am !
Sure you are.
YOU ARE damn it !

Let me just tell you....It's 86 degrees outside, both boys are sleeping, Syd is playing and now having lunch at the neighbors....and my wife is home working on the playhouse !
HOW COULD I POSSIBLY STAY INSIDE UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES :)

Jan took 2 days off this week to get it done. (well, not done, but more done) Here is a picture of where she's at today at 12noon.
She has the post holes dug and set for the deck....she's now starting to put the walls/skin on.
Can't wait !

"Hi Baby.....I'll bring you a Popsicle as soon as I'm done blogging about this picture !"
(I'm gettin' all warm and fuzzy seeing her with her tool belt on :)
Don't get any ideas bloggland people....she's all mine ! ha ha




Update 3pm !
As you can see it has walls and a roof/2nd floor.
All of the stay at home moms came over to find their children who seem to find their way over to our house. It was better than relief society. 6 moms and 20 kids.
Syd missed out as she was taking a nap through the whole thing.
(Note to self.....SHOWER YOU NASTY ASS ! AT LEAST BRUSH YOUR TEETH. You never know when people will show up in your back yard and talk for a couple of hours.)

Picture it, desperate housewives neighborhood ladies and then there's me....I'm wearing a tank top (which I shouldn't be) shorts (which I shouldn't be) a hat (I shouldn't be but it's a damn good thing I am).
I should be, wearing makeup, brushing my teeth, or showering....working out, tanning, or just reconstructive surgery to correct what now EVERYONE in my neighborhood got to see. UGH ! I HATE THAT !





Last update Day 1,
Here you have it.....the second level framed. We are a little concerned, my concern is for J's life, hers is fear for her own safety....in finishing the roof.
It's a LITTLE bit taller than we had expected. Or maybe it just SEEMS really tall when you think you have to climb up and put a roof on that bad boy.

7 wonders, as in huh ?

I want to welcome another BLOGGER extraordinaire from the SLC.
Kelly Belly.
Yet another two mom family from Utah. (Damn, what are you people taking over or what)

Ok, I was tagged by Nailgirl to do a meme. The object of this meme is to name 7 facts about yourself that you want people to know about. Then I will tag 7 people and they will do the same. Remember to post the rules on your blog.

My thing is, if I wanted you to know it about me....I would have told you. So I'm going to have a hard time finding a new page in my already seemingly open book.
My 7 things are going to be quirky stupid things that would embarrass people to admit. That's what I will list, my most dorkiest truths.

#1 I pee in the shower sometimes. I don't know what it is....but I NEVER have to go and then the SECOND I get in and that hot water hits me I gotta go gotta go gotta go right now.
SURE...you could hold it...and I have. But there have been a few times that holding was not an option, or if it was I chose not to take it.

#2 I was born in the wrong era. I LOVE oldies music. Not awesome 80's or even 70's. (although I do love those as well) I love 30's-60's. I love old movies. I love musicals. I love Bette Davis in Pocketful of Miracles...I love White Christmas, Seven brides for Seven Brothers, Pollyanna, Jane Eyre, Secret Garden (the original)....there are so many more but I can't remember them, as my brain also acts like I was born in the wrong era.

#3 I ate cleanser as a kid. A lot of people who know me would say that it explains a lot, and I would reply...yes, that's why my teeth are so white. Guess not.
My mom would say that she couldn't clean the tub without me standing next to her licking the cleanser lid or the tub. I would suck on clean laundry for the soap taste too. I COULD still eat it today. I think it tastes kind of good.

#4 I am a lesbian. Not a lot of people know this about me, and people off of the street typically don't guess this first thing either. But I am gayer than K.D Lang in a flannel shirt and Tevas. I have a card, the toaster, and comfortable shoes. I drink bud light, swear and camp.

#5 I have an extremely large smash on Queen Latifah...and not Queen the MOVIE STAR, I'm talking Living Single, Queen.
Full on, DIG her, rock my world, come on I wanna chitty chitty bang ya. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way about me too. (yes this being said in a freaky stalker kind of way)

#6 White girl can J-U-M-P ! Pre babies I could stand with both feet flat on the ground and in a single leap I could vertical jump to the counter....on the back of a couch. (I'm pretty sure the length of my toes helps me accomplish this)

#7 I have a thing for Bette Midler. (not the same kind of thing I have for Queen) I used to go to Blockbuster and get the movie posters and stands after the movie was done being promoted and would put them up in my room. My ENTIRE room in High School was Bette. (if I can EVER find a picture, and there is one some place, I will post it) you see, in high school I was a gay boy.....it wasn't until I grew up that I was a lesbian. :)
Me and a friend would get together and watch her interviews on TV. I also recorded EVERYTHING she did...and owned all of her movies.
I LOVE her music, I own her Rosemary Clooney tribute CD and listen to it more than a lot of other music.
Now the reason this needed to be said is because I just paid $250.00 for a concert ticket to go see her in Vegas. 8th row. I CAN'T WAIT !!!!! This will be the FIRST thing off of my Life List that I've accomplished so far. I may cry, scream, faint. I don't know. I just know that I can't imagine what it's going to be like to see her in person.


AND NOW !!! Kyla, Elyse,Jennifer, Kori, Jennifer, A+C=5, and Amy

And They Lived Happily Ever After

I have such a romantic Wife. She surprised me with Dinner, drinks and......dessert.
J, I love you with all of my heart ! (I still can't believe you kept this a secret)

I want to give thanks for those who helped make this night a success.
Tonya, Becky and Barb...mmmmpwaaaa (BIG KISS)!
I thank you, my wife REALLY thanks you !!! :)

Home again, home again, lickity split !

I'm done being a single mom. (exhale)
I have to say, on a whole I would never want to be a single mother. I can't imagine the hardships women face being responsible for their families. Trying to balance work, family, and all of the other duties that come with taking care of the house.
That said, it really wasn't so bad. I think I was mentally prepared for it so things ran quite smoothly. The kids slept better than they have all month.

I've learned that my kids are FULLY aware that I am the disciplinarian and that Mommy is a push over. I know this because they behaved for me and our bed time routine lacked the..."I need a drink", "I need you to rock me", "I'm upset and can't sleep" thing.
The funny thing is, by 4:30 pm yesterday I was done. I felt like JUST before my wife came home, like any other work day, I was READY for her to be home and couldn't imagine another night by myself.

When mommy was away the kids will play. We pulled the cushions off of the couch and jumped like circus people.
















We have BBQ's, scrapbooking, and date night this weekend. It's a full schedule and I'm looking forward to the break.

J is out working on the playhouse. It has a 2nd floor lid now, I'm attaching a picture.
As you can see it's already drawing a crowd. We've already got kids from the neighborhood playing in it.
(Sadie who is catching a ball, looks as if she's howling at the moon...nice camera shot)

Hand J0b WHAT ?!

Sydney came in and said, "It's a hand j0b baby."
Me.......WTF !! (eyebrows furrowed, head tilts, thinking did I just hear that right?)
"What did you just say?" trying not to sound like I am jumping to conclusions. My mind starts going a million miles an hour. Where did she hear this, did someone do something to her, was it at pre school, was it one of the little kids at the park....probably that Camden kid :) ha ha TOTALLY KIDDING !
Sydney repeats..."It's a hand j0b baby."
Well shit, I did hear her right. Again....where would she have heard this. Who in the hell...and what has happened to my little girl.

Sounds of music echoing from her room. Picture coming together. Straining to hear.
"Born to hand-jive baby.....born to hand-jive baby...yeah"

Me.......big smile ! "Yip baby...it's the hand-jive"
I stopped everything and did the hand-jive, because unlike the other, this is something that I know how to do..and do well.
Syd looks at her geeky mom doing the jive, practically rolled her eyes and walks away.

Bigger smile....REALLY BIG *SIGH*

Day 2

Raindrops on Roses.....it's raining today. No playing outside for us.

Everyone is alive...so far. The boys slept reasonably well !
I cleared off the TiVo after everyone went to sleep. It was so nice to have the remote to myself, not worrying about keeping J awake.

Both boys are fed and napping, Syd is playing (well I'm supposed to be playing with her right now, but mommy had to do her work on the computer first :) ha ha
The house is clean and so far no more spider incidents !

I can do this...I'm TOTALLY doing this. (school girl giggle)

By the By...what the hell is schnitzel with noodle ?

Who had a crush on Maria ? :) oh and who wished the kiss would have been more of a kiss instead of that pathetic cheek to cheek rub session while singing "I must have done something right" in the yard ?
Hey....Martha Stewart may do it for some of you, Maria did it for me :)

Single Mother

Jan left me.
She comes home on Friday.
I'm scared Todo, I'm scared.

Both boys decided to sleep through the night last night for the first time in a month.
PLEASE GOD LET THAT BE A TREND FOR THE NEXT 3 DAYS.

Who invented the bagless windtunnel vacuum cleaners. I have GOT to know.
All they do is make me feel bad about myself and my triflin' floors.
My floors SEEM reasonably clean. I vacuum and the plastic SEE THROUGH container fills up all too quickly, and I am FASCINATED by all of the shit in there when I'm done.
I apologize to my kids who have had to crawl around on my dirty ass floors since last Wednesday and I promptly take it outside and empty it. Which is NO task in and of itself. It is probably forming some polyps on my lungs from inhaling all of the dust that flies around whilst I bang the filter clean....(why, because I'm anal like that)
What was so bad about bags ?

In single news....I had to kill a spider already today. THAT IS NOT MY JOB ! That is my husbands job. She of course is on her way to stay in some MANSION turned hotel in California.
The spider looked a little familiar....like Julia Roberts character on Charlotte's Web.
I beat the living SHIT out of the thing.
Once as a pre teen, I found THE BIGGEST damn spider walking amongst us and was too afraid to get too close, so I stood 3 stairs above it and dropped a heavy bottle of bleach on it.(it was the only thing I could grab at the time) BABIES SCATTERED EVERYWHERE. They live on their mothers back, NO WONDER she was so big. I've only seen this happen 3 other times. That is some freaky..ass..shit.
The next time I tried to kill a spider I smashed it with my shoe. I sat there and studied it and I'll be damned if after a few seconds that thing got up and ran.
My motto today from that experience. "You have to beat them until their legs fall off" (UNLESS THEY HAVE BABIES ALL OVER THEM)
Otherwise, they will just get up and run away.

uuuuhhhhhhhaaaaa ! (sigh)
I'm off to pick Syd up from pre-school.
(head falls back, eyes close) How am I going to get through the next 3 days by myself ?