Creme Brulee with a little au pair anyone ?

Goals :
Half way there. 19 weeks can you believe it. Next goal, 24 weeks.

Testosterone :
I had a dream last night that I was straight and in love with an angel who looked like Matthew McConaughey. He showed me what clouds felt like. (literally...this (one) wasn't a sex dream)
He left his very spiritual wife to be with me and my kiss of the devil.
(it was a dream after all)
What was so odd was being straight. I mean, I felt straight and in love with this angel man.


















Classes :
Syd started gymnastics today. She can do a back bend, well an arch up and will apparently be doing back handsprings next year. hmmm ? She's very flexible and has lots of promise. (don't take me for a fool...she's 4, she wants to learn a cartwheel...the end)

Jobs Filled :
We hired an Au Pair Nanny from Canada. You know how we love those Canadians. Well at least their bacon any ways :)

She's young..20'ish, not a lot of "nanny" experience, and we are all THRILLED.
She will come in May and leave us the end of August.
I would like to return you to the top of the page to my goals. I need to add...38 weeks, 7lb'ers. I'm hoping our new friend Nicole will help me with that goal.
She is willing to work nights and weekends, will cook for my children, play with them, clean up after them and do some laundry. (this people, is better than a Calgon commercial) Did you actually hear me exhale. My monitor is steamy and I'm melting in to my chair.

I did ask her..."now you realize we are a 2 mom family". Didn't even flinch. WOW ! she MUST be from Canada. I also reiterated it for her because I didn't want her to think she was nannying for a polygamist family. :) ha ha
Nanny looking for Unique experience. well...that qualifies us.


I will be eating creme brulee Saturday. without children.
Now I'm all faklempt. talk amongst yourselves. I will give you a topic.
Simple and easy ways to make a pregnant woman happy. discuss.
(Things are just so wonderful, sniff, sniff)

Warning : squeezable cuteness !

I don't get many pictures of my boys. Most of them are of what once was a child standing still, only to capture the blur and streaks of a body on the move.
To get a smile is priceless :) (due in part to the S-L-O-W speed of digital damn camera's too)

My boys hug each other. ALL of the time.
mmmm yummy....are you kidding me...how FRIGGIN' cute are they...don't you wish you could join in. This may also be why I can't capture the moment...because I tend to find myself in the moment and jump in for a group hug !

They would battle it out for each other and have. The bond that last forever.





Spencer. My sweet, adorable, sensitive, little boy. He is the FIRST to offer up a binky, drink or toy to a crying child. Even if only a few moments prior were they at battle over this same toy, binky or drink. He is such a peace maker. Easy going in his own sweet way.














Cameron. My independent kid. Don't sit next to him or get too close if he's not the one to make the first move. UNLESS you are his mama. He is SUCH a cuddler. He will jump in your lap and give you the BIGGEST loves and just lay on your chest for some down time.














I love these boys. I can't imagine my life without them. BOTH of them.
I can't imagine one without the other either.
We are EXTREMELY blessed to have them in our family!

if your jaw hurts from clenching your teeth because you couldn't eat them up...don't say I didn't warn you !

20 wk ultrasound

but but but...you are only 18 1/2 weeks pregnant you say.
Yes I know. I too am not sure why they do it early.

Needless to say the entire time I was a wreck. I was certain (yes this is after seeing them a week or so ago and going over all of the check points in the emergency room) that they would find a heart defect, facial deformities, missing legs, feet, hands, a hole in the spine, no brain. I don't understand why I am so scared.
I have not allowed myself to relax since I found out that I was pregnant.
Of course all of the spotting and bleeding doesn't help.

Baby A measured 2 days ahead, 18 wks 5 days, baby B a week and 2 days, 19 weeks 5 days. Weird because Spence and Cam measured EXACTLY the same as one another down to the heart rate the entire pregnancy. You would think that they were identical.
These 2 babies WON'T show us their little faces. and I'm PISSED about it because they had 3-D capabilities on their equipment and I really wanted to get a picture of them to blog.

Ok, so my question is this ? How do you release the fear inside ? How do you move on and start to enjoy something that holds you in it's grips and nearly strangles you. suffocating you.
I want to be happy and enjoy this pregnancy. I haven't enjoyed ANY OF IT !
Not one day. Not even at a good 20 week ultrasound given at 18 weeks. I am afraid of EVERYTHING. the logistics of 5 kids. my own mental health. my physical health. the health of my unborn babies. the mental health of the 3 wonderful babies I already have. I'm afraid to show any happiness when telling people that I'm pregnant, AGAIN, with yet ANOTHER set of twins, bringing my total to five 4 and under because people will think I'm crazy. I feel crazy either way.
Deep down I do want to be happy. At least I keep telling myself that.
I want to find happiness and celebrate this pregnancy.

I'm certain that all of these answers are in O.prah's new book, The New Earth, but I'm holding off on reading it until I'm put to bed. :) so if any of you have the answers....please let me know !

Eggcellent

The kids went to a neighborhood Easter egg hunt. It's funny. We show up and know not many people (the ones we do know have older kids and usually don't participate and or are out of town). It doesn't seem to matter...we are approached by the masses all calling our children by their first names. "Hi Cam ! Hi Spencer !"
I'm amazed at how many people know my kids and don't know us at all.
It started up conversation with the adults and out of it we acquired the ward directory (church phone numbers) and 3 new babysitters. WOOOO HOOOOOO !!!
After the Easter Egg hunt, they make homemade scones and juice and other than having the likeness of Relief.Society it was lots of fun. :)

Syd got dressy shoes which she calls tap shoes and 3 new twirly dresses. J had a hard time with the concept of spinny dresses when shopping for them.
She wasn't a spinner as a little girl and doesn't understand the importance of the spin out. :)

Spencer got a wagon full of sand toys. He loves to pull and drag things around.

Cameron got a new dinosaur. One who walks, growls and hisses. He is IN L-U-F with it. I think Easter was by far the funnest for him.

The boys are learning that what's his is his and what's yours is yours. It was nice. Fights were extremely short lived. It usually only took a few stern words from the one brother and the other gave up the toy and walked away with out any incident.

I of course packed the camera to Grandma and Papa's house but didn't take ONE freaking picture of my squeezable cuteness kids. And they were DAMN cute too.
It's all good....it can be recreated. :)

I got one !!!














"Oh how I love you dinosaur. I will kiss you and hug you and growl with you forever."














"fore" (followed by the noise of scattering people everywhere)

















If I give you my saddest most pathetic look ever will you share one of your peeps sister ? Of course little brother.














ooooh, who left this peep on the floor, all alone, for someone to step on and stick to. I will save everyone the trouble and eat it up before it causes any problems.


















mmmmmmmmm
















I LOVE PEEPS !!! bwaaa haaaaa haaaaa














aaah haaa, brother left his dinosaur alone. If I s~t~r~e~t~c~h I can touch it without ever leaving my wagon.

















And then there is my little princess. It's taken her a while to find this softer, dress up side, but I think we can all see what a little lady she is turning in to. :) who says you can't have it all. rough and rugged, sweet and dainty.

Odd things

My armpits smell like shake n bake chicken. Now you might not think that in and of itself is so odd, until I tell you...I haven't partaken in any shake n bake chicken as of recently.

Oddity number two is that now talking about shake n bake chicken, I'm now hungry for broiled pork chops with extra pepper.
oh oh oh and now cream peas and potatoes....FABULOUS....honey if you read this...will you come home early and fix this for dinner ? please please please.

Speaking of cravings. my appetite has picked UP. When I was pregnant with the boys.shit, I have to preface that with "the first set" don't I.
Ok, with the first set. I was starving the day after they inseminated them, I swear it.
I haven't been too hungry this pregnancy. (another reason I often believe that there is just one really big and dramatic girl in there)
Lately though. STARVING(must be sung opera style)
Dinner. YA. more dinner. YA. snack. ok. another meal to tide me over until morning. YA YA YA !
The other night J went in to put Syd down at about 10-10:30 (lets not talk about the time I'm putting my 4 year old down right now)...which also means she lays down with her. yes she is still doing this.
I left and took myself to Taco Bell and ordered a bean and cheese burrito. mmmm. I would have ordered two. I could have eaten two. but I was worried that I would over kill and end up with miserable heartburn. So I went to bed hungry instead. :)
Why did they get rid of their tater tots ?

I had a couple more odd things to talk about but I'm pretty certain my children are doing something they shouldn't (it's quiet) and the chicken smell is really kicking in as the sun has hit me from the window and I'm beginning to melt.

I need to talk later about some concerns with Sydney referring only to a mom and dad when she role plays. I do say...some families have 2 moms and some families only have a dad, or a step mom or step dad...yada yada yada. She looks at me sternly and insists, "no, this is the mommy and this is the daddy." that is TOTALLY fine. Sydney will probably grow up and raise a family just like this one. I just want her to be comfortable with the family she has. I want to know she's ok with "our" family.

Oh and also wanted some help with our situation last night when she wanted to long kiss me and grabbed my face in her hands and planted one on my lips. :)
It was as sweet and innocent as anyones first romantic kiss with their mother, I'm sure, but it brings the questions....how do I explain this. We don't kiss moms we kiss boys when we get older. like 21 years old. "but mama, mommy is a girl, then why do you kiss her" and if I say instead, kiss someone we love. "but I do love you mama". and do I really want to get in to the whole "LUUUUF" somebody with a 4 year old. oh the fine lines.
I'm telling you. I just don't know about all of these things. I need a lesbian mom handbook for such moments.
So....I'll write all about these concerns and we can talk about them later :) ha ha

I now abrupt this program

A small placental abruption. That is what Dr. Hot believes happened.
This is the fun part. It could cause problems...it could not cause problems....it could cause early bed rest......things could go normally until the end.
Everything with my placenta and uterus look good and it was probably a clot or a back up of blood between the two that suddenly burst. Probably caused by stress and anxiety over the pregnancy. (hee hee, ok I threw that part in)
I am to take it easy...try not to lift the kids all of the time. etc. etc.
I KNOW that I can do what it takes to keep these guys in. I just need my body to agree.

J was able to meet Dr. Hot today and I was CERTAIN would walk away with a small smash. She CLAIMS that she just really likes her and doesn't have any feelings towards her. yet. :) ha ha ha
It's fun to poke and tease though. seriously...she's that hot

I leave you with a picture. St. Patricks day dinner out with some friends.
We took the picture right before we left so you can't see how cute they all look in their old.navy t-shirts...moms included.

Keep your arms and legs in the car at all times.....

FIRST OF ALL....Happy 4th Birthday to my sweet little Sydney.
She has had one party after the other and this morning when entering our room we called out, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUBBY....you are finally 4."
She got up on the bed, looked down at her feet and said, "no...see, look...
I'm not 4, I'm still 3"
The girl has cold feet. She also has a mother who has been begging her not to grow up for the last month :)

Rollercoaster !!
Last night. We were at my mothers. I felt a lot of discharge a couple of times (too much information....stick with me)
I bent over felt another gush. thought to myself....hmmm...I think I might be peeing. Went to the bathroom and as I sat down discovered blood. blood EVERYWHERE. it was all over my underwear and soaked through a pretty big spot on my pants.
I called J in and told her we had to go. She insisted I call the after hours doctor. I kept thinking, they won't intervene. I just asked my doctor at my last appointment, when they try and stop nature from taking it's course and she told me not until after 24 weeks. Viability.
The after hours doctor called me right back. I talked to her as I sat on a folded towel in the spare bedroom.
Go to the emergency room and have an ultrasound done. You are on bed rest until you see doctor hotty this week.

We went in, got RIGHT in. I LOVE this new hospital. So many people taking care of me. It felt a little weird.
The ultrasound lady said...."ok, lets look at your cervix"
I'm thinking....WTF. LOOK LADY to see if there are 2 living babies in there.
She started scanning and I said, "do you see two heartbeats?" I was looking at what appeared to be a big head (not moving) and an empty sack (again with no movement)
She heard the frightened tone in my voice and immediately looked upwards.
I saw movement in the first sack. I asked....do you see 2 heartbeats.
"yip. everything seems to look good"
She went on to measure everything and everyone. (a preview of my 20 week ultrasound)
Everything looked good. no signs of placental abruption. no signs of any blood.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. I am to "take it easy" until I see her.

This drama has been going on since day freaking 1. I SWEAR they are girls up in there.

I HATE THEM !! HATE THEM !! HATE people. a lot.

I say this EVERY FUCKING TIME PEOPLE ! EVERY TIME ! WHEN WILL I LEARN DAMN IT !
Taking Syd to get her 4 year pictures today at none other than...dun dun da dun...KIDDIE.KANDIDS.
Preparation included a late bath last night because oh holy shit we have to put curlers in her hair for pictures and then getting all 3 kids dressed and ready this morning...2 moms dressed and ready....clean up the ceiling and the floor downstairs because the hose from the dishwasher became disconnected and the water drained in to the basement (ruining the ceiling...my wife is THRILLED)RIGHT before we headed out.

We get everyone unloaded....in to the mall....expected a wait, because, it's Easter.
Walk up....the girl says...."do you have an appointment ?"
"No we don't"
Stupid girl responds with, "We don't have any appointments today. I might be able to get her in at around 4:30 pm." (note : it's NOON)
The HATE. The ANGER. The utter DISAPPOINTMENT AND DISBELIEF in my face said it all and I walked away.

The WHOLE point is for convenience. The ONLY reason I KEEP going back....you don't NEED an appointment.
I remember thinking how inconvenient it was NOT to have an appointment there....while waiting with screaming children and swearing that I would NEVER do this again. irony.
J was mad and said, "it says right on their website that they take appointments but leave room for walk ins"
She went and talked to the girl...because I was afraid that if I did the fire from my eyes would singe her beautiful blond hair.
J returns to say....."she said they do leave room for walk ins but the call ins have filled those up"
A CALL IN IS NOT A WALK IN YA DUMB BITCH.
That is also why I didn't go because that is exactly what I would have blurted out in a turrets sort of outburst.
We went and said hi to the Easter bunny, each boy CLINGING to me and J refusing to sit on his lap..and then loaded EVERYONE up and headed for home.
WONDERFUL !

I guess I will call and make an appointment for sometime later this week or next weekend. cha.
:)

Pregnancy.......

and all that comes with it.
WHY is it that the bowels of time seem to stand still. NOTHING will get them moving. Fiber. Water. Most laxatives. but the SECOND I leave the house. load up a full grocery cart with 2 babies strapped in the front. anxious and all ready to go home. BOOM it hits me.

The irony : you don't go because how can you. and then you get home and CAN'T GO !
son of a.....

(fist up cursing the iron pills who maybe aren't fully responsible...but damn it they don't help)

My sugar !

Like chocolate this is dark and sweet. (sorry for the poor lighting) Sydney was singing songs to Spencer who has been sick. The first few were HEART warming. She always starts out by singing, "When my heart, feels your heart, and I love.."...and then it goes from there.
After the 3rd rendition J got the camera and started taping.

The words in case you can't hear them from this sweet and soft voice :)
"....you have your whole......when are you gonna be sleepy. Go to sleep, go to sleep. When are you gonna be, love. Go to sleep so you can have your funnest dreams of all"

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Because she was ok being video taped I decided to ask her to do the Pollyanna, old Mrs. Snow act. Not as dramatic as she sometimes does. I love her old lady voice.. such a little actress.
My pollyanna is quite good as well I might add :) ha ha

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Can you hear it.......

****updated with picture****
It's the winds of c h a n g e.
We met with our Mayor last night. J inSISTED on taking all 3 kids. I tried to get a babysitter for the boys and said we could take pictures of them...but she said it would be better if they came. she didn't get to talk very much :)

All in all it went very well. He preached from his religious pulpit and even brought out a talk the past prophet had written about Gay Marriage. I knew going in to this that his religion was his basis and took a deep breath and went with it.
Myself and J were both brought up in LDS (Mormon) homes.

What it finally came down to....and he was extremely honest and open with us both....he regrets speaking at the hearing. He wouldn't and will not do it again.
He doesn't agree with the word "marriage" but does believe that we deserve insurance, adoption rights, and the ability to see one another in a hospital.
He is not going to advocate for gays....but said that he would not stand in the way of any laws going forward. (unless it was amendment 3 "marriage")

In preparation, he had gone to the local hospital, the recreation centers and had asked who the "family rate" included, and visiting hours included. They all said they would accept us as a family. He had checked on insurance in Utah. and insurance under the new "Partnership" law that passed in Salt Lake. he did his homework. NICE right ?
He understands that if any decisions needed to be made at a hospital; machines being turned off, surgery etc, that we are not allowed to make any of these life changing decisions. I also explained that until the laws are put in place to protect us, he can talk to 50 people at those places...it only takes 1 small minded bigot to ruin your life.
He thinks it's wrong, and thinks we should be treated "equally" (but not really equally..more don't ask don't tell kind of equally).

Either way. He was very nice and treated us both with respect. I believe we made a difference.

On our way out as we got in to the elevator, J turned to me and said, you were right. we should have left them home :) ha ha ha
Crazy mo fo's.

I'm going to try and post a 4 month preggers picture soon....in my 2x B*tte Mid1er concert t-shirt that I picked up for a mere $40.00. (the one I spotted and WANTED was $120.00....ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS FOR A FREAKING T-SHIRT...DAMN GINA)
Coming soon !

It turns out I only got a 1x and DAMN GOOD THING...I'm working this t-shirt.
The front says Bette Midler Las Vegas.

The DIVlNE Miss M !!!!!

My GAWD people I can't tell you how UTTERLY AMAZING it was to see her in concert.
I won't EVER call it a concert again.....it was a show. and THE BEST SHOW I HAVE EVER (echo ever) seen.
EVER !
She truly is the most divine. Let me just tell you where my seats were. I was in fact on row 8...not row 6...BUT...the theater is set up so that....oh shit..let me just draw you a picture for the love of all that's holy :)













As you can see the rows hugged the stage. So I wasn't even 8 rows back, but 8 rows to the SIDE. I was so fucking close I could reach out and touch her. (she's very little) I could see her makeup lines. OMG it was THE BEST SHOW.
The red is of course me...the fuchsia being her....the yellow is my arm extended...REACHING for her.
She was just crude enough to make it funny as hell, but not so crude that I wished I weren't sitting next to my Mormon, but slightly open minded, mom.
To hear "That's the Glory of Love" up close and personal and sweet like at the end of Beaches...I nearly cried. oh how I adore her. I just cannot say enough.

It was 77 degrees in Vegas! aaaaaah. I don't think I will take a child back to Las Vegas. Just not a place really geared to kids. You would think because of Circus Circus and the M&M factory that there would be more for little people to do there. not so much. Syd did so good though. The car ride, sleeping, eating. she was a champ.
It was scary in the casino's...SO many people. I was afraid of losing her.
We did take her to Mystere. She enjoyed about 3/4 of it and then was done.
It was nice and I think we all had a good time.
We need to go over stranger danger though. The child has no fear of people and willingly gives up her address, name, birth date and phone number. She also sings and tells jokes with or without requests. What a doll face.
FAO Schwarz















M&M Factory
















First 3-D movie with Mommy J.

















The boys did fine while we were gone.
For about an hour straight after getting home they screamed and screamed and S~C~R~E~A~M~E~D !!!! It was a nightmare and we tried as hard as we could to hold it together, but OH MY GAWD ! At bedtime it was another round of screaming. I lost it and yelled and then we had to rock them to sleep so that they would go to sleep with happy thoughts and not FREAKED OUT, TIRED MAMA thoughts.

Reality check. and there you have it.

Who's Anatomy ?

Grey's ? Yes that is where my new doctor should be working. Someplace to show that beautiful face off.
Dee recommended her and as luck would have it my previous doctor will in fact be working in her practice. What are the chances really ?
Doctor duh could potentially deliver me, but with this new great doctor who cares right ?
I met her yesterday. Dee described her somewhat differently. She said she had red sassy hair and a tongue ring. Very cute and skinny. I was expecting someone wild.
What I met was a cross between Am*nda Peet and Michelle Pfi*ffer only with darker hair. She is BE-U-TIFUL. Nobody wants a doctor this hot. Well except for Dee :)
She was wonderful. Actually asked me pertinent health questions regarding my pregnancy. Something Doctor duh never did.
(and no Dee, I didn't ask for a cervical check :) I want to look like her, not so much at her.
Oh and after these boys are born and my body deflates back to the fat but tucked in to jeans look I'm TOTALLY cutting my hair like hers.

I got to see my boys on the big screen and so far they seem pretty mellow. I'm sure they are as scared of me as I am of them.

(took the picture of Dr. Hot down...what a confidentiality nightmare. What was I thinking, for those of you who didn't see it. I'm sorry :)

Speaking of hot red heads !!!!

We (my sister in law, mom, J, Syd) leave on a Las Vegas road trip tomorrow.
I'm going to see the
F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S B*TTE MIDL*R in concert. I can't wait to check that off of my life list.
Just me and mom are going to the actual concert. 6th ROW BABY !! I CAN'T WAIT !!!!
The boys are staying at the neighbors.
I have this whole support system story...but, later.


The L-word, and yes I just watched it...was WONDERFUL. SO FREAK-ME good.
My fantasy is that Tasha got to keep her uniform and a pair of handcuffs. LOVE HER !
Oh, and I thought it would be seriously weird to have sex in front of your mom. and yes, that is really Cybill's daughter. Weird. and kind of gross. professional actors or not. I'm feeling the Bette and Tina story line finally. I just didn't want them to be thrown back together without working at it. I still wouldn't trust Bette but I'm just a hard ass like that. :)
She-bar needs to move on. Done with them.

Hoping everyone hits the jackpot this weekend.

Station identification break

That's what my weekend felt like. a mere commercial in my life.
Can you say 5 star all the way baby. The food, OMG the food. GOOD FOOD people.
It was all input this weekend. No output. I'll be working on that for the next couple of days. Is Mirolax safe for pregnant women ? There was A LOT OF GOOD FOOD !
This trip is one that J's boss does every year. He takes every employee and one companion. He puts you up in a NICE hotel, feeds you dinner and breakfast, gives you spending money and says..."have fun" !! SERIOUSLY ! How awesome is that ?

If I had to hear ONE MORE PERSON say..."omg, you are having twins again. are you kidding. how are you going to do it. 2 more boys. good luck. you must be super mom. how are you feeling. you poor thing." after the 1st day it sounded more Charlie Brown wa-wa-wa-wa.

No pictures. We showered and got ready to eat. We did go out the first night, the 2nd night I sent my wife out and stayed in ALL BY MYSELF. The rest of the time was spent on our bed watching Flip that House and Cold Case files. :)
Time well spent I might add. We ordered room service and did NOTHING. saw nothing.
I did rent "August Rush"....aaaah....cheesey. I mean it was fine. I wouldn't recommend it per se. but it was fine.

I'm over Thomas Jay now. Who knows what their names are going to be. Keep the suggestions coming please.

Sydney is perfecting her terrible 4's already. I've heard 4's are worse than 2's. I believe it. Her patience in the waiting for ANYTHING area are GONE.
She will ask nicely for a drink. "mommy, may I have a drink please."
"Yes...hold on while I finish working." which means my sitting at the computer typing something EXTREMELY important. There isn't even a pause any more. IMMEDIATELY she erupts with, "I want a drink." screams and runs in to the other room or falls to the floor in shear dehydration, I'm sure.

Cameron was SPOILED rotten all weekend by my childless sister in law. He looks like he came from her family. blond blue, just like her. It's almost too perfect for them. They have been unlucky trying. (although I keep telling her that "trying" ONLY on Sunday's isn't going to give her the best chances at getting pregnant)
I did give her my monitor and she is now trying a little more seriously to get pregnant. I do hope they get one and JUST like Cameron :) I fear she might end up going the scientific route like so many of us have had to do.

Spencer is Spencer. 0-150 back to 0 !

I blinked and now I'm home...my children need baths, they are all screaming about something and if I close my eyes hard enough. I can picture the view from my room and smell that hotel bleach clean sheet smell and remember that for 2 days I didn't have to be the mom.