Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
It is personal to me.
I'm gay, I'M GAAAAY !!
(muchos vibratos, ya know, cuz I'm so gay)
I am madly in love with a woman. And rightly so. She is amazing, awesome, astonishing.
J has not only met but exceeded any expectations I could have ever held for her, us and our family. She loves me. She loves and cares for me despite my exorbitant and sometimes overboard mood swings. She treats me with kindness, respect and love.
She works very hard which allows me to stay home to raise our kids. You know, the 1 ok 2 that she agreed to have waaaaaaay back when.
I love her with every ounce of me. I couldn't imagine a day without her. I wish she were sitting on the couch next to me so that I could look over and smile at her right now. you know, that smile that tells her I'm writing about her and yet she has no idea what it is, so she says all harmless but threatening, "what are you writing about me?" and then I smile coyly and continue typing hoping for that physical reaction, a loving swat, finger jab or a tickle. ya, you know, like that.
She is a great provider and mother. Her kids love her almost as much as I do. At around 5:30 pm when the sound of the garage opens, they run knocking in to each other, dropping toys sliding around corners to get to the back door screaming all the way, "mommy J's home, mommy J's home !!" and then jump around her legs, arms up hugging her and each one starts rambling about their latest experience.
My heart melts when I hear the garage go up. Not because the games changed up and it's now 2 against 5. Not because there is someone else to hold a screaming baby and break up a fight the kids are having....but because I genuinely miss her and I can't wait to hear about her day and tell her about mine. Because after 11 years she's still the best and greatest person I know. and my stomach still gets butterflies.
What pains me the most is that people feel it their need to tell me what I feel is wrong. To disregard and distort my love. the way I love. To call the most important thing to me, my family, a sin. A sin people. My core, my center, my being. a sin. likened to murder and rape. All because the way I live my life doesn't fit in to the puzzle that some see as their eternal salvation.
There are places that women are treated like door mats. No better than a stray dog. We've all heard the stories. stand behind their husbands. they aren't allowed to talk unless talked to. their sole purpose in life is to serve and bear children. they may be tortured and killed if so desired. Their life means nothing.
This is not ok. it's not ok because we've been taught differently. If you tried to tell them that they needed to change they would throw religion and ancestry and their own truths at you. because they believe them. because that's all they know.
Does it make it right. no.
It's time for change. It's time for my love and my family to be validated. It's time for this state and it's people, and California, and my mom and my dad and our schools and their teachers and the churches to change.
It's time for people to stop hiding and think outside the box and find some understanding and compassion for those people in their families, work place, neighborhoods and schools.
Stop using the excuse that it affects your children. Hate does too, discrimination does too.
Just because one is different doesn't make them wrong. Just because my love is for my wife doesn't mean I sin.
We are just like everyone else. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we make up, we pray, we hope, we dream, we play, we work, we struggle, we barely survive some days and I don't know if normal is what we want to be, but a sin surely is not.
(muchos vibratos, ya know, cuz I'm so gay)
I am madly in love with a woman. And rightly so. She is amazing, awesome, astonishing.
J has not only met but exceeded any expectations I could have ever held for her, us and our family. She loves me. She loves and cares for me despite my exorbitant and sometimes overboard mood swings. She treats me with kindness, respect and love.
She works very hard which allows me to stay home to raise our kids. You know, the 1 ok 2 that she agreed to have waaaaaaay back when.
I love her with every ounce of me. I couldn't imagine a day without her. I wish she were sitting on the couch next to me so that I could look over and smile at her right now. you know, that smile that tells her I'm writing about her and yet she has no idea what it is, so she says all harmless but threatening, "what are you writing about me?" and then I smile coyly and continue typing hoping for that physical reaction, a loving swat, finger jab or a tickle. ya, you know, like that.
She is a great provider and mother. Her kids love her almost as much as I do. At around 5:30 pm when the sound of the garage opens, they run knocking in to each other, dropping toys sliding around corners to get to the back door screaming all the way, "mommy J's home, mommy J's home !!" and then jump around her legs, arms up hugging her and each one starts rambling about their latest experience.
My heart melts when I hear the garage go up. Not because the games changed up and it's now 2 against 5. Not because there is someone else to hold a screaming baby and break up a fight the kids are having....but because I genuinely miss her and I can't wait to hear about her day and tell her about mine. Because after 11 years she's still the best and greatest person I know. and my stomach still gets butterflies.
What pains me the most is that people feel it their need to tell me what I feel is wrong. To disregard and distort my love. the way I love. To call the most important thing to me, my family, a sin. A sin people. My core, my center, my being. a sin. likened to murder and rape. All because the way I live my life doesn't fit in to the puzzle that some see as their eternal salvation.
There are places that women are treated like door mats. No better than a stray dog. We've all heard the stories. stand behind their husbands. they aren't allowed to talk unless talked to. their sole purpose in life is to serve and bear children. they may be tortured and killed if so desired. Their life means nothing.
This is not ok. it's not ok because we've been taught differently. If you tried to tell them that they needed to change they would throw religion and ancestry and their own truths at you. because they believe them. because that's all they know.
Does it make it right. no.
It's time for change. It's time for my love and my family to be validated. It's time for this state and it's people, and California, and my mom and my dad and our schools and their teachers and the churches to change.
It's time for people to stop hiding and think outside the box and find some understanding and compassion for those people in their families, work place, neighborhoods and schools.
Stop using the excuse that it affects your children. Hate does too, discrimination does too.
Just because one is different doesn't make them wrong. Just because my love is for my wife doesn't mean I sin.
We are just like everyone else. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we make up, we pray, we hope, we dream, we play, we work, we struggle, we barely survive some days and I don't know if normal is what we want to be, but a sin surely is not.
I do not know how to love any other way. It is my makeup, my DNA, it threads through my cells and is who I am. I am gay.
I have an AMAZING family. I have created it despite the criticism, the threats, the detours, the professionals that wouldn't work with us, the made up laws to hurt us, the majority voters. I am proud of what we've accomplished and how we've done it all with dignity and respect for others. 2 people in love and look at what we have.
I don't have an agenda. This isn't evil. This isn't a propaganda. It's my family.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Faux camping and other firsts.
We went camping with the kids for the first time over Memorial weekend. WHAT AN EXPERIENCE ! WEW ! DAMN !! (deep, heavy, worn out breathing)
Ok, so it wasn't really camping. It was a camp ground, but it was next to an Amusement park. We DID sleep in our trailer though. Ok, so it has electricity, a TV, microwave, oven and bathroom. So it's noooooot so much like camping per se.
Oh aaaand, we left the babies home with Grandma and papa. So all in all it was a GREAT weekend.
(This trailer is AWESOME. both ends fold out to queen size beds)
We hit the park a runnin' with our great friends and Aunt Meg who came to play too.
Our friends invited the cutest little 10 year old who was SOOO grown and even more importantly would go on all of the spinny rides with my kids. AWESOME ! Meg and Kennedy I thank you, and my vertigo thanks you.
The biggest and most greatest thing to happen was, Syd was tall enough to go on ALL of the rides in the park. She went on Wicked, the Spider, The 100 year old Roller coaster, Colossus, and the scariest ride in the whole park...The Wild Mouse 3 times (ok maybe it's just scary to me) Not a scared bone in this girls body.
I didn't get any pictures of her on the big rides, but we plan on going back and I will be taking many.
This is how we slept. At the one end of the trailer with the TV of course.
At 10 PM moms were on the queen bed, Syd on one side both boys on the other.
That didn't work. THEN Spencer slept with Syd, Cameron by himself. That didn't work.
THEEEEN Spencer at the other end of the trailer (because he would) Cam on one bed, Syd on one bed, moms in queen. That didn't work.
At about 11:45 PM....we figured out what worked. All three kids in queen bed, moms on both doubles. (we technically could have gone to the other end and slept on the queen down there....but it was better being all close and comfy)
Ya, you know what...whatever works dawg.
Ok, so it wasn't really camping. It was a camp ground, but it was next to an Amusement park. We DID sleep in our trailer though. Ok, so it has electricity, a TV, microwave, oven and bathroom. So it's noooooot so much like camping per se.
Oh aaaand, we left the babies home with Grandma and papa. So all in all it was a GREAT weekend.
(This trailer is AWESOME. both ends fold out to queen size beds)
We hit the park a runnin' with our great friends and Aunt Meg who came to play too.
Our friends invited the cutest little 10 year old who was SOOO grown and even more importantly would go on all of the spinny rides with my kids. AWESOME ! Meg and Kennedy I thank you, and my vertigo thanks you.
The biggest and most greatest thing to happen was, Syd was tall enough to go on ALL of the rides in the park. She went on Wicked, the Spider, The 100 year old Roller coaster, Colossus, and the scariest ride in the whole park...The Wild Mouse 3 times (ok maybe it's just scary to me) Not a scared bone in this girls body.
I didn't get any pictures of her on the big rides, but we plan on going back and I will be taking many.
This is how we slept. At the one end of the trailer with the TV of course.
At 10 PM moms were on the queen bed, Syd on one side both boys on the other.
That didn't work. THEN Spencer slept with Syd, Cameron by himself. That didn't work.
THEEEEN Spencer at the other end of the trailer (because he would) Cam on one bed, Syd on one bed, moms in queen. That didn't work.
At about 11:45 PM....we figured out what worked. All three kids in queen bed, moms on both doubles. (we technically could have gone to the other end and slept on the queen down there....but it was better being all close and comfy)
Ya, you know what...whatever works dawg.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Munchausen by playwright
scene 1
at home dinner is over J&K contemplating what is next
Date : Yesterday
Time : 6:32 pm
Mood : relaxed and happy almost to the point one would say giddy that the wife was home.
(Phone rings, briiing, briing,)
enter scene
J answers phone, "hello" pauses, responds in a serious voice "hold please" and walks over arm stretched out with the phone in her hand and whispers, "it's instacare".
K's mind jumps from one end of her head to the other wondering why they would be calling and as the phone hits her ear without saying hello she (sweetly) concluded, "I know, the strep culture came back negative." (very proud of her little wee brain for grabbing that bit of information and rolling with it)
The voice at the other end replies simply, "no"
K's mind rebounds from WAAAAAAAAAY in the back leaving the test results conclusion grabbing the small part that was giving a high five to the short term memory side and heads WAAAAAAAY in the front and then wonders...."who is this, why are they calling, what is this sticky crap all over the back of my hand ?"
K replies, "oh sorry"
Mystery woman continues "we send all of our rapid strep tests in and her culture continued to grow."
K, kind of accusingly and in a little AH HA ! way says, "I KNEW IT !well that explains why she was 102 this morning yet AGAIN" and then her AH HA mind continued, "alternate Tylenol and Motrin...CHA...when will you people take me seriously...I know when something is more than a cold."
Woman on the phone goes on to tell her that she would be calling in the prescription for small sickly child. tid 3 x daily.
aaaaaan END scene.
introducing sickly child
(a preview of scene 2, sickly child is feeling better and then acts better and that delivers a happy and positive response from well for now boy child)
oh the love...the love.
I was talking to a friend last night and said, "the Pediatricians office is going to start suspecting me of foul play the way we've been going lately"
(wringing hands) "now, how do I inflict this disease that hasn't already done so through binky and sippy cup transfer to the other 4 (head thrown back followed up with ev-eahl laugh) bwaaaaa haaa haa haaaaaaaa !!"
at home dinner is over J&K contemplating what is next
Date : Yesterday
Time : 6:32 pm
Mood : relaxed and happy almost to the point one would say giddy that the wife was home.
(Phone rings, briiing, briing,)
enter scene
J answers phone, "hello" pauses, responds in a serious voice "hold please" and walks over arm stretched out with the phone in her hand and whispers, "it's instacare".
K's mind jumps from one end of her head to the other wondering why they would be calling and as the phone hits her ear without saying hello she (sweetly) concluded, "I know, the strep culture came back negative." (very proud of her little wee brain for grabbing that bit of information and rolling with it)
The voice at the other end replies simply, "no"
K's mind rebounds from WAAAAAAAAAY in the back leaving the test results conclusion grabbing the small part that was giving a high five to the short term memory side and heads WAAAAAAAY in the front and then wonders...."who is this, why are they calling, what is this sticky crap all over the back of my hand ?"
K replies, "oh sorry"
Mystery woman continues "we send all of our rapid strep tests in and her culture continued to grow."
K, kind of accusingly and in a little AH HA ! way says, "I KNEW IT !well that explains why she was 102 this morning yet AGAIN" and then her AH HA mind continued, "alternate Tylenol and Motrin...CHA...when will you people take me seriously...I know when something is more than a cold."
Woman on the phone goes on to tell her that she would be calling in the prescription for small sickly child. tid 3 x daily.
aaaaaan END scene.
introducing sickly child
(a preview of scene 2, sickly child is feeling better and then acts better and that delivers a happy and positive response from well for now boy child)
oh the love...the love.
I was talking to a friend last night and said, "the Pediatricians office is going to start suspecting me of foul play the way we've been going lately"
(wringing hands) "now, how do I inflict this disease that hasn't already done so through binky and sippy cup transfer to the other 4 (head thrown back followed up with ev-eahl laugh) bwaaaaa haaa haa haaaaaaaa !!"
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Why I choose to blog instead of beat
Because when they get older they WILL remember the terrible things they did.
If I beat them for it, they wouldn't remember who got the orange juice out of the fridge or who's idea it was to take it in to the living room and pour it in to their mouths and spit it all over my newly professionally cleaned couch (professionally cleaned washable marker and chocolate chip cookie face smear only weeks ago)
They would remember being beat and would learn how to treat others this way though.
???
wouldn't they ?
tell me it would change who they are.
that it would cause them to grow up and become serial killers and drug addicts.
that by not spanking their little tushes I'm saving the world from disaster and destruction in my own little way.
tell me. please. TELL ME !!!!!
Why I have time to blog...
Ryan is in time out because he seems to wake up if the wind changes direction lately and after only sleeping for 15 minutes....and because it was HIM who I was trying to rock back to sleep when his brothers committed their crime.
Don't they look sorry. ya, I didn't think so.
oh and notice my cute little book shelf I added to my sidebar.
We have OH SO MANY favorite books at our house. I haven't had my memory close at hand since Syd was born so I had to go by our latest gifts and what we've checked out from the library this week. I always like to know what works with other peoples kids so I thought I'd share some of our favorites.
Please feel free to share with me some of your recent favorites.
If I beat them for it, they wouldn't remember who got the orange juice out of the fridge or who's idea it was to take it in to the living room and pour it in to their mouths and spit it all over my newly professionally cleaned couch (professionally cleaned washable marker and chocolate chip cookie face smear only weeks ago)
They would remember being beat and would learn how to treat others this way though.
???
wouldn't they ?
tell me it would change who they are.
that it would cause them to grow up and become serial killers and drug addicts.
that by not spanking their little tushes I'm saving the world from disaster and destruction in my own little way.
tell me. please. TELL ME !!!!!
Why I have time to blog...
Ryan is in time out because he seems to wake up if the wind changes direction lately and after only sleeping for 15 minutes....and because it was HIM who I was trying to rock back to sleep when his brothers committed their crime.
Don't they look sorry. ya, I didn't think so.
oh and notice my cute little book shelf I added to my sidebar.
We have OH SO MANY favorite books at our house. I haven't had my memory close at hand since Syd was born so I had to go by our latest gifts and what we've checked out from the library this week. I always like to know what works with other peoples kids so I thought I'd share some of our favorites.
Please feel free to share with me some of your recent favorites.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
A few little here's and there's.
This is Syd at her preschool graduation last week.
She read 78 books this year. SEVENTY EIGHT !
I think she's ready to go to kindergarten.
a little bored maybe.
On to the question that FILLS your heads. And I know it does. :) What do you do with all of those sick kids and a 90 degree day.
Perspective. One MIGHT think that Cam was getting his sister back for trying to force him in to the sprinkler before he was ready.
ooor, one might then realize it was all about position and angles and a game of hide and seek.
because Ryan was sitting here when I downloaded pictures and smiled :)
This is Syd at her preschool graduation last week.
She read 78 books this year. SEVENTY EIGHT !
I think she's ready to go to kindergarten.
a little bored maybe.
On to the question that FILLS your heads. And I know it does. :) What do you do with all of those sick kids and a 90 degree day.
Perspective. One MIGHT think that Cam was getting his sister back for trying to force him in to the sprinkler before he was ready.
ooor, one might then realize it was all about position and angles and a game of hide and seek.
because Ryan was sitting here when I downloaded pictures and smiled :)
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Veddy Sceeeedy ghost story.
And it's not even Halloween....and I promise that if you can make it through this entire post there will be a point as to my sharing these experiences with you.
Oh and this post has nothing to do with sick kids or the swine flu....or my coming this close to asking the doctor to test Sydney for it. I did make him think that he wanted to test her for it but he thinks she might have influenza b this time. or something. GAWD ! (and yes, the rest are sick too)
This first story is a short starter outer story and because I like this story. Consider it the buffalo wings, ranch dressing and celery sticks of my post.
My Grandpa had a severe heart attack many years ago. It was his first one. Luckily my Aunt was in town visiting and was there with my grandma. They loaded up Grandpa in the ambulance and took off. My grandma and Aunt followed close behind in the car. As they arrived at the hospital and got inside both my Aunt and Grandma saw my grandpa in the elevator with the doctors, nurses and my uncle Allen bent over the gurney holding my grandpa's hand.
My grandma and Aunt looked at each other and my grandma said, "he's going to be ok"
You see. my uncle Allen died of cancer at the tender age of 21.
Turned out, my grandpa was in good hands.
Such a heartwarming, sweet story.
ok now.
This story is also true and the details are still so fresh and real that they will never be altered or forgotten. If you don't want to believe me, that's fine too...I'm not here to make a believer out of you.
This is my experience and I'm sharing it with you.
I was pretty religious until my last 2 years in High School. I went to church....read the Mormon scriptures (The Book of Mormon) and felt like I had a pretty strong faith system.
One night when I was 14 I was laying in bed starring up at my ceiling. I noticed a shadow coming in to the room. It was seeping in by my window. It reminded me of a shadow that crosses over a room when the sun goes down kind of. It was thicker black though...and there was no sun to cause this as it was 11 o'clock at night. (a little like the movie ghost. remember when the spirits come to take the bad guys away. (I couldn't even use the movie as an overactive imagination as the movie hadn't come out when this took place)
I sensed a terrible presence and became very scared.
I blinked my eyes trying to adjust them to change the shadows but there was no getting rid of them.
I decided to pray. I knelt down by my bed and rested my face on my hands.
As I began my mind left me and wandered off. Not unusual, I was tired, but my mind drifted off to pictures you'd see on the news and in horror films.
I closed my eyes really tight and started in to my prayer again. I wouldn't get even a sentence out and my mind was gone to death and destruction. I sat up and opened my eyes and decided the darkness with my face in the bed and hidden from my hands was causing me to be even more scared so I began praying with my eyes open my face toward the ceiling. Again, blood and guts. It was the strangest and scariest thing. I had never seen the images that I was envisioning. I hadn't seen dismembered bodies and charred body parts. It was terrible. It was like my mind had a radio dial and right when I would get it to the station I wanted it would switch to another one. (funny I use this analogy, more to come on the radio in a later blog)
I was terrified. I climbed in to bed and grabbed my scriptures. I began to read and the same things happened. I wouldn't even get to the end of the sentence and I was picturing scary faces and demons.
I lay there and continued to watch the blackness ooze in to my room covering my whole ceiling, which was better than it moving because at least it just looked like the ceiling was dark now.
I remembered being taught to command them away and whispered, "in the name of Jesus Christ, get thee hence" It wasn't all, throw holy water at the shadows and scream, "the power of Christ compels you" over and over. no nothing like that.
I said it again with as much will as I could muster without shouting (again, it was late and everyone else was sleeping), "in the name of Jesus Christ, get thee hence"
Nothing.
I was confused. I was taught that this was the most powerful thing you could say. You could stop bad guys and bullets with this command. Why wasn't it working now?
The terrible thoughts and pictures in my head continued. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing something awful.
This went on for over 2 hours. I was completely exhausted. I laid there and honestly felt as if I had just battled Satan and his army.
Tired and emotionally spent I said, "Grandma, please help me"
My Grandma had died only months before.
At that exact moment....not a second less I was fast asleep. I woke up feeling completely rested and unafraid of anything that had haunted me the night before.
I knew then that my grandmother was watching over me and would always be there for me. I talked to her and asked for her help more than any other spiritual guidance for years after.
Ok, now. the reason I tell this story is because. The other night after reading books, getting water, kissing and covering up Sydney. She says to me, "mom I'm afraid of the shadow people on my wall. They scare me."
Without a single scary thought I said, "Shadows are a lot like clouds. It's fun to look at them and make them anything we want. Like that one. That one looks like a duck to me. See that's not scary." Just then a car drove by and the lights created moving shadows over her walls. "See, it's like a whole bunch of ducks and they just flew across your room." I pointed to the shadows high on the wall facing us.
She replied in a very scared and sad voice, "no. Not like those shadows. The people shadows aren't like those shadows. They aren't on my walls like those shadows. they are blacker" she rubbed the wall next to her with her hand. "they are bigger. like people" she held her hand away from her wall slightly. "they scare me"
It all came back to me in one blink of an eye I felt those same feelings and I too was afraid of those shadows on her wall. I laid down next to her and told her it was ok and that she was safe. My next thoughts were....is she experiencing what I did ?
I know, I know. I've seen those kids who see ghosts. Who can see the future.
"I see dead people."
I don't disregard any one's "stories" because I have one of my own. I don't know that I believe all that I hear, just like I'm sure you won't all believe what I've just told you. But it freaked my freak when Sydney revealed this to me.
The other terrible thing is. My poor little girl is RIDDLED with nightmares. Night terrors. She seems to yell and scream for the first few hours of sleep and even in the early hours of morning.
Thinking it was just night terrors I've dealt with them as such. I try and comfort her. I make sure she's safe from harm and after she's settled I go back to bed.
What if. What if she's dealing with these "ghosts"/"spirits". and is really scared sometimes. not all of the time, but sometimes.
I feel terrible for her. I know how scary it can be.
I have ANOTHER scary story that I will share later. wooooo-oooo-ooo.
It happened later with my first girlfriend (yes I have witnesses) AND a bishop AND a haunted duplex.
We used to tell it to our friends when we would go camping. It always freaked everyone out.
ok..nighty night everyone !
freakin' freak. Now I have to go listen to the beach boys until these thoughts are out of my head.
great !
Maybe I'll just go count the duck shadows on Syd's wall. ;)
Oh and this post has nothing to do with sick kids or the swine flu....or my coming this close to asking the doctor to test Sydney for it. I did make him think that he wanted to test her for it but he thinks she might have influenza b this time. or something. GAWD ! (and yes, the rest are sick too)
This first story is a short starter outer story and because I like this story. Consider it the buffalo wings, ranch dressing and celery sticks of my post.
My Grandpa had a severe heart attack many years ago. It was his first one. Luckily my Aunt was in town visiting and was there with my grandma. They loaded up Grandpa in the ambulance and took off. My grandma and Aunt followed close behind in the car. As they arrived at the hospital and got inside both my Aunt and Grandma saw my grandpa in the elevator with the doctors, nurses and my uncle Allen bent over the gurney holding my grandpa's hand.
My grandma and Aunt looked at each other and my grandma said, "he's going to be ok"
You see. my uncle Allen died of cancer at the tender age of 21.
Turned out, my grandpa was in good hands.
Such a heartwarming, sweet story.
ok now.
This story is also true and the details are still so fresh and real that they will never be altered or forgotten. If you don't want to believe me, that's fine too...I'm not here to make a believer out of you.
This is my experience and I'm sharing it with you.
I was pretty religious until my last 2 years in High School. I went to church....read the Mormon scriptures (The Book of Mormon) and felt like I had a pretty strong faith system.
One night when I was 14 I was laying in bed starring up at my ceiling. I noticed a shadow coming in to the room. It was seeping in by my window. It reminded me of a shadow that crosses over a room when the sun goes down kind of. It was thicker black though...and there was no sun to cause this as it was 11 o'clock at night. (a little like the movie ghost. remember when the spirits come to take the bad guys away. (I couldn't even use the movie as an overactive imagination as the movie hadn't come out when this took place)
I sensed a terrible presence and became very scared.
I blinked my eyes trying to adjust them to change the shadows but there was no getting rid of them.
I decided to pray. I knelt down by my bed and rested my face on my hands.
As I began my mind left me and wandered off. Not unusual, I was tired, but my mind drifted off to pictures you'd see on the news and in horror films.
I closed my eyes really tight and started in to my prayer again. I wouldn't get even a sentence out and my mind was gone to death and destruction. I sat up and opened my eyes and decided the darkness with my face in the bed and hidden from my hands was causing me to be even more scared so I began praying with my eyes open my face toward the ceiling. Again, blood and guts. It was the strangest and scariest thing. I had never seen the images that I was envisioning. I hadn't seen dismembered bodies and charred body parts. It was terrible. It was like my mind had a radio dial and right when I would get it to the station I wanted it would switch to another one. (funny I use this analogy, more to come on the radio in a later blog)
I was terrified. I climbed in to bed and grabbed my scriptures. I began to read and the same things happened. I wouldn't even get to the end of the sentence and I was picturing scary faces and demons.
I lay there and continued to watch the blackness ooze in to my room covering my whole ceiling, which was better than it moving because at least it just looked like the ceiling was dark now.
I remembered being taught to command them away and whispered, "in the name of Jesus Christ, get thee hence" It wasn't all, throw holy water at the shadows and scream, "the power of Christ compels you" over and over. no nothing like that.
I said it again with as much will as I could muster without shouting (again, it was late and everyone else was sleeping), "in the name of Jesus Christ, get thee hence"
Nothing.
I was confused. I was taught that this was the most powerful thing you could say. You could stop bad guys and bullets with this command. Why wasn't it working now?
The terrible thoughts and pictures in my head continued. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing something awful.
This went on for over 2 hours. I was completely exhausted. I laid there and honestly felt as if I had just battled Satan and his army.
Tired and emotionally spent I said, "Grandma, please help me"
My Grandma had died only months before.
At that exact moment....not a second less I was fast asleep. I woke up feeling completely rested and unafraid of anything that had haunted me the night before.
I knew then that my grandmother was watching over me and would always be there for me. I talked to her and asked for her help more than any other spiritual guidance for years after.
Ok, now. the reason I tell this story is because. The other night after reading books, getting water, kissing and covering up Sydney. She says to me, "mom I'm afraid of the shadow people on my wall. They scare me."
Without a single scary thought I said, "Shadows are a lot like clouds. It's fun to look at them and make them anything we want. Like that one. That one looks like a duck to me. See that's not scary." Just then a car drove by and the lights created moving shadows over her walls. "See, it's like a whole bunch of ducks and they just flew across your room." I pointed to the shadows high on the wall facing us.
She replied in a very scared and sad voice, "no. Not like those shadows. The people shadows aren't like those shadows. They aren't on my walls like those shadows. they are blacker" she rubbed the wall next to her with her hand. "they are bigger. like people" she held her hand away from her wall slightly. "they scare me"
It all came back to me in one blink of an eye I felt those same feelings and I too was afraid of those shadows on her wall. I laid down next to her and told her it was ok and that she was safe. My next thoughts were....is she experiencing what I did ?
I know, I know. I've seen those kids who see ghosts. Who can see the future.
"I see dead people."
I don't disregard any one's "stories" because I have one of my own. I don't know that I believe all that I hear, just like I'm sure you won't all believe what I've just told you. But it freaked my freak when Sydney revealed this to me.
The other terrible thing is. My poor little girl is RIDDLED with nightmares. Night terrors. She seems to yell and scream for the first few hours of sleep and even in the early hours of morning.
Thinking it was just night terrors I've dealt with them as such. I try and comfort her. I make sure she's safe from harm and after she's settled I go back to bed.
What if. What if she's dealing with these "ghosts"/"spirits". and is really scared sometimes. not all of the time, but sometimes.
I feel terrible for her. I know how scary it can be.
I have ANOTHER scary story that I will share later. wooooo-oooo-ooo.
It happened later with my first girlfriend (yes I have witnesses) AND a bishop AND a haunted duplex.
We used to tell it to our friends when we would go camping. It always freaked everyone out.
ok..nighty night everyone !
freakin' freak. Now I have to go listen to the beach boys until these thoughts are out of my head.
great !
Maybe I'll just go count the duck shadows on Syd's wall. ;)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
So excited I peed a little !!!
I am so happy I can't even begin to tell you.
Now that your curiosity has set in, let me slowly lower your expectations in that I'm going to be the only happy person at the end of this story.
I planted some wisteria some 6 years ago hoping that soon it would wrap it's way around my entrance and grow lush purple grape like flowers welcoming people to my house.
6 years I've been waiting for this thing to bloom. Every summer I wait. and every summer thus far I've been thoroughly disappointed. UNTIL THIS YEAR !!
There is finally a flower. ONE. but maybe more will come.
GREAT GOOGLEYMOOGLEY I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ! I'm so FRIGGIN happy I can't stand it.
I was jumping up and down like a school girl the other night and both of my boys came over next to me with equal amounts of excitement. (they never did get what I was so happy about...as I'm sure you don't either...aaahh, but oh well. I get it...EEEEEEEEEHHHHH !!!!!)
There she is. OH ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL.
Nathan is going to be walking soon. He has been letting go of things and just taking off....landing right on his face of course....but he's trying. He took his first 3 steps between me and Mommy J the other night. Soon little man.
Ryan seems to have better balance than his brother, but not as much guts. He's a little timid and won't yet venture forward on his own.
I was trying to capture Nathan on film the other day, but holding the camera I couldn't get the whole picture and every time I would back away from him he would drop and crawl to get to the camera.
I did capture him standing for a second though.
Last of all. My new motto. Never say never !
The end !
Now that your curiosity has set in, let me slowly lower your expectations in that I'm going to be the only happy person at the end of this story.
I planted some wisteria some 6 years ago hoping that soon it would wrap it's way around my entrance and grow lush purple grape like flowers welcoming people to my house.
6 years I've been waiting for this thing to bloom. Every summer I wait. and every summer thus far I've been thoroughly disappointed. UNTIL THIS YEAR !!
There is finally a flower. ONE. but maybe more will come.
GREAT GOOGLEYMOOGLEY I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ! I'm so FRIGGIN happy I can't stand it.
I was jumping up and down like a school girl the other night and both of my boys came over next to me with equal amounts of excitement. (they never did get what I was so happy about...as I'm sure you don't either...aaahh, but oh well. I get it...EEEEEEEEEHHHHH !!!!!)
There she is. OH ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL.
Nathan is going to be walking soon. He has been letting go of things and just taking off....landing right on his face of course....but he's trying. He took his first 3 steps between me and Mommy J the other night. Soon little man.
Ryan seems to have better balance than his brother, but not as much guts. He's a little timid and won't yet venture forward on his own.
I was trying to capture Nathan on film the other day, but holding the camera I couldn't get the whole picture and every time I would back away from him he would drop and crawl to get to the camera.
I did capture him standing for a second though.
Last of all. My new motto. Never say never !
The end !
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Nate and Ry-guy
You didn't think I'd forget about the babies did you ? I mean, after all...they are my favorites.
I was holding off for them to hit their 9 month doctors appointment. You know, so they could get their shots updated and then not sleep so that I would have something to bitch about.
Well it's your lucky day. There will only be a little bitching today.
They are sharing a post because there is only a short time in their lives to blog about as they've only been sharing this planet for 9 months and because frankly I don't have the energy....you know, because I didn't sleep last night....because of the whole shots and poor sleeping thing. (bitch moan bitch moan gumble grumble grumble)
Nathan aka Tank, oh fearless one, bruiser :
weight, 20 lbs 11 oz 60%
height, 29.5 in 90%
He crawls. over things. like a tank this kid. Over his brothers head, pillows, toys. Motto, "why go around"
He cruises furniture and is now climbing up and over. He climbs stairs and can make it up 4 before I can say, "no Nathan" and make it down 8.
He has 3 1/2 teeth. (the fourth is blue and bulging and will probably break skin today...if I can help it along by pushing against it :)
He is crazy and talkative and smiles all the time. I just love his personality.
Ryan aka the sweetest boy ever :
weight, 19lbs 1 oz 30%
height, 29.5 in 90%
He crawls like a champ. Obstacles are just that. he will get to a toy or shoe and then sit down his arms flailing about...."move damn it...clearly, I'm trying to get by".
He cruises furniture and has just recently decided that getting down is REALLY the scary part and "HEEEELP, HEELP me, I can't get down".
He has no teeth, not a bulge not a bump.
But this gumless hero is so sweet it makes MY teeth ache. He is very sensitive and is sitting behind me rolling his r's sounding something between a bird and a mariachi singer.
Now I need your help. I need glue that is water proof. Something that will stick to the bottom of the tub and also adheres to most skin types. :)
I was holding off for them to hit their 9 month doctors appointment. You know, so they could get their shots updated and then not sleep so that I would have something to bitch about.
Well it's your lucky day. There will only be a little bitching today.
They are sharing a post because there is only a short time in their lives to blog about as they've only been sharing this planet for 9 months and because frankly I don't have the energy....you know, because I didn't sleep last night....because of the whole shots and poor sleeping thing. (bitch moan bitch moan gumble grumble grumble)
Nathan aka Tank, oh fearless one, bruiser :
weight, 20 lbs 11 oz 60%
height, 29.5 in 90%
He crawls. over things. like a tank this kid. Over his brothers head, pillows, toys. Motto, "why go around"
He cruises furniture and is now climbing up and over. He climbs stairs and can make it up 4 before I can say, "no Nathan" and make it down 8.
He has 3 1/2 teeth. (the fourth is blue and bulging and will probably break skin today...if I can help it along by pushing against it :)
He is crazy and talkative and smiles all the time. I just love his personality.
Ryan aka the sweetest boy ever :
weight, 19lbs 1 oz 30%
height, 29.5 in 90%
He crawls like a champ. Obstacles are just that. he will get to a toy or shoe and then sit down his arms flailing about...."move damn it...clearly, I'm trying to get by".
He cruises furniture and has just recently decided that getting down is REALLY the scary part and "HEEEELP, HEELP me, I can't get down".
He has no teeth, not a bulge not a bump.
But this gumless hero is so sweet it makes MY teeth ache. He is very sensitive and is sitting behind me rolling his r's sounding something between a bird and a mariachi singer.
Now I need your help. I need glue that is water proof. Something that will stick to the bottom of the tub and also adheres to most skin types. :)
Monday, May 4, 2009
What makes a family ?
All I could think of was, love. Such a simple answer and yet it is the truth.
We were invited to participate in the "What makes a Family" pride exhibit again this year.
Everyone looked. Everyone smiled. (well the babies look a little deer in headlights but in their defense they were pretty bright lights :)
Here are some that she was able to get yesterday.
In comparison to last years photo shoot. We've grown a little :)
I have to give a shout out to Marva-lous ! She did such a great job and her daughter was the best little assistant in getting my kids to look at the camera.
Thanks for including our family again this year.
We were invited to participate in the "What makes a Family" pride exhibit again this year.
Everyone looked. Everyone smiled. (well the babies look a little deer in headlights but in their defense they were pretty bright lights :)
Here are some that she was able to get yesterday.
In comparison to last years photo shoot. We've grown a little :)
I have to give a shout out to Marva-lous ! She did such a great job and her daughter was the best little assistant in getting my kids to look at the camera.
Thanks for including our family again this year.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Dun-da-da-dun
Here she is, in all of her roundoffy glory.
I had to spot her. She just learned how and frankly I am not a trained professional to just let a 5 year old start handspringing around by herself. I will try and capture her at class this week to show you her doing it by herself in the presence of a trained professional :)
I had to spot her. She just learned how and frankly I am not a trained professional to just let a 5 year old start handspringing around by herself. I will try and capture her at class this week to show you her doing it by herself in the presence of a trained professional :)
Friday, May 1, 2009
Cam-man-do
Cameron is most certainly my favorite.
What an absolutely adorable child he is.
The imagination alone puts him above the rest. It makes me smile to think about it. I love when I walk in to a room and can listen to him make believe play with his animals....(the following is a conversation between a lion and an elephant)"hi, what choo doin'? mom-eeeee. gun.gun.gun. ah play ah me."
His language and speech has taken off.
Ok, so remember how he didn't pass, no he passed and didn't qualify for speech therapy. Well the therapist talked to her boss and approved them to work with both boys because Cam's pronunciation wasn't the best. After he was approved I noticed improvement almost immediately. ain't it the way.
The therapist came to work with the boys and would say, "Spencer say "p" and he would say "p", say "oh" and he would say "oh", say "soap" and Spencer would say "oh"......then she would repeat this with Cameron, "p" "p" "oh" "oh" Cameron say, "soap" and he responded "soap" and she was SOOO happy and SOOO excited and I just didn't have the heart to break it to her that he can talk and quite well. :)
He still has some work but he's well on his way.
Cameron used to be my shy and reserved boy. He is coming out of his shell. He's very friendly to everyone. Adults don't scare him (which sometimes scares me). He will talk to anyone and start telling them about his dinosaurs and cars.
The sweetest and cutest quality that this boy holds would be his desire to protect his brother. OMG it's seriously the most adorable thing EVER. It doesn't matter who did it, if anyone did anything at all....If Spencer is crying Cameron comes a runnin'. He will yell at, push and hit whoever was messing with his bro.
It's sooooo not ok that he physically assaults his sister (and the mean kid at McDonald's that one time) but it really is great that he's got his brothers back.
He also helps when "Jencer" as he calls him, is in time out or throwing a fit about something....he tries to calm him down. Cam will go and get a binky or his sippy cup and take it to him. even though he's not supposed to have those things in time out and I find it NEARLY impossible to take them away because how sweet was that.
He will also stroke his hair and say, "ah ok Jencer? it ok Jencer"
SERIOUSLY people. I think my dried up withered old boobs just let down.
Cameron loves dinosaurs, balloons, trains, cars, animals, alligators, spiders, bugs, snakes and anything else that is stereotypically boy stuff.
I capture what he's going to look like when he's older every once in a while. I think about how great he will be as an older son to his 2 old moms.
He loves his moms so much now.
I'm talking, so sweet, tells me "lushew mom" and my heart melts.
He cuddles and sits in my lap the most out of all of my kids. He loves it when I smother him with hugs and kisses and giggles for more. oh and don't get me started on his laugh.
Now if I can just get him to listen and stop saying "no" all of the time :)
Cameron got a bike from the Easter bunny too. He doesn't like wearing his helmet and tries to ride in the street with his sister. but he too is off and running.
no riding.
What an absolutely adorable child he is.
The imagination alone puts him above the rest. It makes me smile to think about it. I love when I walk in to a room and can listen to him make believe play with his animals....(the following is a conversation between a lion and an elephant)"hi, what choo doin'? mom-eeeee. gun.gun.gun. ah play ah me."
His language and speech has taken off.
Ok, so remember how he didn't pass, no he passed and didn't qualify for speech therapy. Well the therapist talked to her boss and approved them to work with both boys because Cam's pronunciation wasn't the best. After he was approved I noticed improvement almost immediately. ain't it the way.
The therapist came to work with the boys and would say, "Spencer say "p" and he would say "p", say "oh" and he would say "oh", say "soap" and Spencer would say "oh"......then she would repeat this with Cameron, "p" "p" "oh" "oh" Cameron say, "soap" and he responded "soap" and she was SOOO happy and SOOO excited and I just didn't have the heart to break it to her that he can talk and quite well. :)
He still has some work but he's well on his way.
Cameron used to be my shy and reserved boy. He is coming out of his shell. He's very friendly to everyone. Adults don't scare him (which sometimes scares me). He will talk to anyone and start telling them about his dinosaurs and cars.
The sweetest and cutest quality that this boy holds would be his desire to protect his brother. OMG it's seriously the most adorable thing EVER. It doesn't matter who did it, if anyone did anything at all....If Spencer is crying Cameron comes a runnin'. He will yell at, push and hit whoever was messing with his bro.
It's sooooo not ok that he physically assaults his sister (and the mean kid at McDonald's that one time) but it really is great that he's got his brothers back.
He also helps when "Jencer" as he calls him, is in time out or throwing a fit about something....he tries to calm him down. Cam will go and get a binky or his sippy cup and take it to him. even though he's not supposed to have those things in time out and I find it NEARLY impossible to take them away because how sweet was that.
He will also stroke his hair and say, "ah ok Jencer? it ok Jencer"
SERIOUSLY people. I think my dried up withered old boobs just let down.
Cameron loves dinosaurs, balloons, trains, cars, animals, alligators, spiders, bugs, snakes and anything else that is stereotypically boy stuff.
I capture what he's going to look like when he's older every once in a while. I think about how great he will be as an older son to his 2 old moms.
He loves his moms so much now.
I'm talking, so sweet, tells me "lushew mom" and my heart melts.
He cuddles and sits in my lap the most out of all of my kids. He loves it when I smother him with hugs and kisses and giggles for more. oh and don't get me started on his laugh.
Now if I can just get him to listen and stop saying "no" all of the time :)
Cameron got a bike from the Easter bunny too. He doesn't like wearing his helmet and tries to ride in the street with his sister. but he too is off and running.
no riding.
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