Memorial Day

How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!
~Maya Angelou


Remembering all of those who fought to keep us free.
Thank you.

How to get black sharpie marker out of light carpet ?

Mr Clean eraser sponge and toothpaste.

The eraser sponge will disintigrate as you diligently and frantically scrub the said marker from each individual carpet fiber. but with a little elbow grease, scrub brush, several types of carpet pre treater and cleaners, the toothpaste and a steam cleaner....it will eventually come up.    Or at least it looked like it did tonight before we left my moms house.    I guess we'll see for sure in the morning when it's dry and the natural light seeps in through the windows.

note : toothpaste used was crest mint, no whiteners.   I'm thinking with  a little whitener in there it might have helped.   I'll remember that for next time.

also......the Mr. Clean eraser also removed the same black sharpie marker off of my mothers kitchen floor, fridge, hutch, 2 white doors and several of her kitchen cabinet doors.  (so glad they came in a 2 pack)
Ryan was alone for 2 minutes.
(I'm just taking that one down as a record)

His "I'm trouble watch out" face !

Interview part dos

Me - Sydney how does it feel to have 2 moms ?

Syd - It feels kinda....fun.

Me - Why ?

Syd - I'm happy to have 2 moms.

Me - What do you tell your friends about having 2 moms ?

Syd - I'm lucky to have 2 moms because if one is playing they um, there's another one to play with you.

Me - What do your friends think about you not having a dad ?

Syd - It's weird.  it's kinda like a little bit embarrassing.

Me - What makes you feel embarrassed ?

Syd - That no one else in my class has 2 moms......in my school class.

Me - Does it make you feel bad ?

Syd - Just embarrassed....um actually.....it's actually both.

Me - What part about having 2 moms makes you feel bad ?

Syd - I don't really know.  That's actually really funny. (giggling)  HEY !  (Syd's reading as I type this)
     
Me - Ok, really.  Why do you feel bad ?

Syd - Because I'm different from everyone else.

Me - You have friends that have 2 moms, does that help you not feel as bad about being different ?

Syd- kinda a little tiny bit.

Me - Syd, what does the perfect family look like to you ?

Syd - um, ours.  I love our family...it's like...it's so warm...because my family is in it and I love em.

Me -  What do you love most about our family ?

Syd - Being together.

Me - When you grow up what will your family look like ?

Syd - I don't really know yet.

Me - Do you want to have kids ?

Syd - Not very much.

Me - Why ?

Syd - I'm scared to answer.

Me - What does the word family mean to you ?

Syd - Love.

Love is right.  And that's something to cheer about.

What I wouldn't give......

I want to move to a farm.   I want to have chickens, cows and horses.  Have enough property to ride the horses.     I want a big garden that someone can grow all of my vegetables in.
I only want 1 TV in our whole house.  Our house that is big and white with a deck that wraps all the way around it.    
I want someone to chop wood for the fireplace.  
I want to bake pancakes on the vintage gridle stove top in my huge gorgeous kitchen.
I wish that my kids could learn at home instead of going to public schools.     I love the idea of someone teaching them hands on versus strictly out of books.   I like being able to set your own schedule and working with your childs individual learning methods.   (I can't do this, but I want someone to do it for me :)
I want a large pond/lake with a big willow tree that hangs over it so that you can swing and land right in the middle.
I want an old tree that fits the PERFECT tree house for the kids.  and also a couple for a hammock.  
I want to experience lightening bugs and homemade lemonade and sitting in an old rocking chair on the front porch late at night singing some Burl Ives song.   ok.  it's doesn't have to be Burl, but I want to feel like it's set from a scene out of the movie Summer Magic.  

I have this desire to let go of so many things and live off of the land.    Prove that my conspiracy theory about eating unhappy chickens makes the person who eats them unhappy to...and that given lots of room to peck and roam....maybe a song in the morning while feeding them....they will be fat and happy and so will those who partakes of them.

I want a lot.   and I don't want to do most of it.....thus my referencing *someone* ;-).   I just want the scenery and the happiness and the peace that comes with it.   
Just something on my mind.

It's Official

The dogs deaf.....so now NOBODY listens to me in this house.
FABulous !
Poor old girl.   she's 13 you know.   We love our Sadie.  again.  :) 

I don't even want to talk about it.  but I see an 80 degree day coming up on the forecast.
Just the idea of a beautiful warm day with no rain makes my body tingle.   
aaaaaah.
Still pissed that we missed a good spring.  but summer sun, oh how I've missed you.

Now how to keep the babies out of the middle of the road for the next 4-6 months ?   

True Love ?

I just thought I'd ask you what your opinion of this is.

Do you think that true love is when you meet someone and can't stand to be away from them.   Can't wait to see them again.  Think about them constantly.   and each time your stomach flips and your hands go numb.

Can true love come on slowly.   Take a long time of getting used to each other and your differences.   Can you not be sure for 2 years and then decide....nope, this is the right one for me.   

Can a friendship turn in to true love.   Maybe you didn't really see it and then one day you did feel the butterflies.

I have been lucky enough to know but I've seen so many people who have gotten married or rented the u-haul and don't seem to have the fireworks and heart palpitations.    It's a "decision" or something they need to be "sure" of before committing.
I just wondered if that can also be true love.    Is it ?  

Don't you just KNOW that you are supposed to be with someone ?   Even if you needed to wait for the time to be right or the stars to allign....don't you still just KNOW in your body and soul..no questions asked ?

Or maybe we just think that true love is supposed to feel like that....and when the butterflies die down so does the true part of the equation.   Maybe that's why so many people break up.    

Just wondering.   What do you think ?

There is a little girl....

who has a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
and when she is good,
she is VERY GOOD indeed !
and when she is bad,
she is horrid.

I know such a girl.    If I described and told you about the sweet little girl I know who plays school with her brothers, making signs to hang above their bed that says that she loves them.    Passes out and shares her candy (still from valentines) and doesn't raise her voice while playing.    You'd never believe me when I told you that this same sweet child misses recess because she's mean to some of the kids (namely one) and bitch slaps and drop kicks any of the aforementioned brothers at any given time.    Tells me she hates me, spits at me and will slam her bedroom door in my face.  She has so much anger sometimes.

Sydney came out strong willed.    One day I just know it will help her....but getting her to that point is exhausting and at times overwhelming.
As a toddler I had to follow her within arms length at any place that had another child present, for fear that she might push, take or hit them.    She was delightful and just doing her thing and then someone would do something that she didn't like or would provoke her and bam. 
As she got older the pushes and taking just got harde.   
She was my runner.    She was also my public/private it didn't matter where tantrum thrower.   

We did time outs because I said that I wouldn't spank her.    Nothing.
and then I spanked because I was so frustrated that spanking must be the ONLY way to get her to stop. 
It didn't.    I used scary voices.  some louder.   some deeper.  just trying to threaten her and gain control of her actions.    Not so much.
We started over.   I started reading books and more books and applying different techniques trying to find one that fit.   oh my spirited child.   1-2-3 magic and Raising the spirited child.   Positive discipline.   Lots of anger books.   I talked to professionals.   I asked friends and moms and daycare providers. 
Right when I thought I was making headway.  I wasn't again.   A new phase of life seemed to take over and the uncontrollable anger always found it's way back.  

She is a thousand times better than she was when she was 3 and 5.   Maybe by the time she's 9 she'll be completely free of the anger that seems to control her today.
She even screams and yells out at night. (still terroring)  She gets no rest from this beast.

The part that hurts.   The part that just makes me want to scream is that I've seen this absolutely adorable....wonderful....sweet and thoughtful little person.    This child who makes my heart swell and burst.
A child I'm so proud of because of the decisions she makes. 
THAT'S the little girl that I want to see more of.    That's the child I wish everyone saw.
That angelic person who makes my bed or the one who wraps her arms around my waist and tells me she loves me more than I could possibly love her which we all know isn't true....but will debate it with me until I back down. 
The little girl who asks her brother with all of the empathy in the world, "what happened buddy, are you alright ?"  when he comes in the house crying.  The one who will walk in the door and immediately say, "Cam, I've got something for you.   Look, it's a superman pencil.  we got them from this kids birthday today and I knew you'd love it."  or   "Spence, I traded a silly band for this R2D2 one just for you." 
The little girl who will kiss and hug every one of her brothers when she leaves for school and tells them, "I'll miss you.  I love you."
This is the part that gives me hope too. 

It scares me somedays.    I'm scared of the challenges.   I'm scared of not doing it right.   I'm scared that there is more.   I'm scared that there will be more bad than good one day.  I'm scared that she'll be a teenager.  oh my god I can't even imagine it.   I'm scared that she'll be sad because of the way others see her, treat her, because of the way she is some of the time. 

Today though.  Today I'm glad that I've seen more of the good than bad.  
Today, I'm going to feel like any other mom of a 7 year old girl who's biggest fights are deciding what to wear and pouting about getting ready for bed.    A little girl whose worst words were "NO!" because she didn't want to take a shower and yet in the end did it willingly and with a smile.
Today I'm celebrating Sydney.

I love you my boo girl.    all of you.   
And one day when you have kids you too will understand, the mom always loves the kids more !  :)

Knock knock

Who's there ?
Ammonia
Ammonia who ?
Ammonia a little late but still got my post in today.  

30 in 30 peeps.

Coral Sand dunes

While in Zions.....we decided to take a trip to the coral sand dunes.
Ok, it went like this.    We drove to Kanab....a great and close little city 40 minutes from our cabin.   (there was no mud there and someone else would prepare our food for us)
Whildst driving there we saw a sign that said coral sand dunes and it took me Waaaaaaaaaay back to playing in the sand dunes when I was a youngin......so on our way back to the cabin we took a little 20 minute detour and this is what we came to.
It was AMAZING.   I mean, I get that we were in red rock territory.....so the sand would have to be of the same color.  but to see it in person was just awesome.
My pictures don't do it justice for sure.

It was cold and had been raining....and it was the kids bed time....but we couldn't not get out and play in it.   Plus we had to pay 6.00 to enter the park so we were going to spend at least 5 minutes there.   We ended up playing for over an hour.  



There are several hundred feet and 2 thousand acres of sand piled here....and it apparently grows 50-150 ft each year.



My kids are so light they didn't sink in but when J or I would walk on it...down we went.  :)

After you got in a few inches....the sand was dry and super soft.   It was lots of fun to play in.
Oh and in all of these pictures....the feet prints are all our family.   There was no one else there.   It was like being on the beach after the tides had gone down and being the first to leave your imprint.

There are just so many beautiful places to see here in Utah.   To think, this was just a road sign along the way.    I'm so glad we didn't pass it by.

Camping at the Zions Ponderosa Ranch just outside of Zions national park !

We were able to get a 1/2 price pre season deal at this Ranch here in Utah.
It was amazing.    It snowed 2 days, rained the other 2. (thus the 1/2 off I imagine) but if the weather would have been georgeous.  it would have ROCKED.
looking for a silver lining here people.
We went with some great friends.   There was so much to do and we all took advantage of it even with the cold weather.   Great friends and lots to do = great time no matter the weather. 
Here are some pictures.    First off.   The Barn.  

The indoor rockwall at the barn.  it was a little too cold to do the outdoor one.

Cam

yes, even me.  



Next up.....the zipline.
Is this not the CUTEST picture EVER-R-R-R !!



who would send a 2 year old down a zipline you ask ?
You look at this face and say no.  :)  
He was soooo excited,  met the weight requirement and after opening the gate would smile and jump.
He went on it 4 times. 

J in her strap on gear :)

Look at how much fun he was having.   I love his face here.

Syd, leaping off.   No fear.

I loved this picure of Syd.



Go J !!



Cool Cam

The girls helping carry Nate's gear.   It was too heavy and long for him.   Such great friends.

Kids camp.   It wasn't open yet.  It didn't open until the season started....but they let us play in here anyway.   Especially with the weather being so crappy.  Normally they have this whole kids program that you can pay to put your kids in.   That way the parents can go off on the ATV rides, jeep excursions or horseback riding etc.  alone.   without kids.  great idea right.   It was SOOOOO nice to have a place to just hang out with the kids.   Even the adults played a little hackey.   

We're all older.  some of us bigger.  but we still kicked it :)
(thanks Kor for letting me borrow this pic)

another kids camp pic

pool, ping pong and foosball tables downstairs
and yes.   I took this picture because my wife has a habit of tuning out.
bleepity bleep stupid iphone.

the pool.   there are 2 pools a kiddie pool and 2 hot tubs.

remember it was 55 degrees.  J offered anyone 5 bucks to jump in the pool.
Syd and her bff Imani JUMPED out of the hot tub and ran to the pool.   They both dipped their toes and chickened out.    As they were discussing their next move.....the little sister calmly got out of the hot tub.   Walked over to the pool and without even a word jumped in.   Love you Nia.
The big girls couldn't be out done.   So J is now 15.00 poorer.

A goat from the petting zoo.   This guy walked over the second I took my camera out.  Stuck his face up to the gate and smiled.    :)  I shit you not.

The stables

Syd on Pebbles

Me on Pepsi

Nate

Spencer

Ry-guy

Cam-man

We destroyed these carts.   They were clean before we got on them :)

Our cabin #1 for 4 days

A picture of the ranch from the road

 I can't say enough good about this place.    Honestly....if the weather were good....you'd never want to leave.  There is miniature golf right in front of the flag...you can't see it really in this picture.  horseshoes.  big campfire pits.   aaaah.   I want to go back.  
This.   This is what I call camping.
A little something for everyone.

This moment Friday

Today's moment has nothing to do with wordless posts and a picture.
It's just a happy moment that happened this week that I'd like to share with you.

My loving wife, who has been outnumbered by 5 of us, officially and legally changed her last name to ours.

It's weird you know.   A lot of people assumed that I'd be the one to change my name to hers.   You know.  because she's my husband.   After all, we are typical role players over here.
It kind of started out that way and then I was just too scared of my parents.   and then I had Syd and didn't want the uncomfortable silence and weirdness that came with having Syd's last name be J's.    (I know, I'm embarrassed that I  brought a child into a situation that I wasn't 100% secure in)
At that point it was silly to give the next 4 different last names and J was already the little guy......so.....she did it.

Our reasons for doing it right now aren't what you'd expect them to be.     Legally it does no more for J now than it did 2 days ago.  
But Syd has been writing her full name and the families full name for sometime now and she has been a little hung up on the whole J's last name our last name thing.    She's even hyphenated it (sort of) by writing first J's last name and then adding ours.   but she knows they are different.   She knows that our last names aren't the same.
We didn't want there to be any more added confusion to our family.    We are a family and thought this might help the kids feel a little more secure in that.   

I told my mom.    I told her that she was changing it because friends of ours have had problems when flying and with passports etc.    Not a lie.   but not neccessarily why we changed it.    She didn't say a thing.   not the uncomfortable silence, but not the congratulations we would like either.  :)

Thanks J for going against the grain.   :)  
For not considering this a win for me....but a win for all of us.
Thanks for not hitting me when I said, ugh, you "insert our name" last night because you wouldn't comply and turn off the TV.   :)   even though by saying that it only insinuates that I'm an asshole too :)  

Today Ryan has broken 2 of my kitchen plates (I was making his bed at the time)  spilled cereal and milk all over my kitchen table (the end of his bowl was tipped over and then spread with his hands) he pulled everything off of my dresser in my room (I was packing Syd's backpack for school at the time) pulled diapers and toilet paper out of the pantry in the garage and was throwing it all over (caught him in the act) made a mess with the dogs water (I was smart and had the dog food put up when I locked all of the pantry doors so that he couldn't continue waging war in the garage)   and someone peed in my heater vent in my room.....the smell gave it away as the heat kicked on this morning.    I'm not pointing fingers. it could have been either one of them....but as Ryan is 0 for 10 so far...I'm blaming him.
I haven't raised my voice, I've tried to give him lots of positive attention.....but his demand for constant supervision and love and nurturing is damn near impossible with 4 other children.   mother friggity frack.

caaaaaaalgon.

Happy to share my last name with you babe !

Ryan my beloved destroyer !

I have this HUGE slideshow in the works with all of the things Ryan has destroyed in his short life.  folders of pictures.
I was planning on showing it on or around his birthday.    Lately though.  Lately some things have happened and as with everything....a change was in order.
His actions haven't changed.   In fact.  they had only increased in size and numbers.    I found myself not really liking the kid.   I mean, I LOVE him....he's my son for hell sakes....but I didn't like him all that much.   He was becoming more work than good.    He was like a cyclone and I was desaster clean up.

He started scaring me.  and J.   We would sit up at night and wonder what kind of medication this kid would need to be on in order to enroll in kindergarten.   SERIOUSLY.   The kid is a crazy mother fucker.   I'm not kidding.   Even my mother would tell me....."I don't know how you will survive him"

On our little vacation Ryan was in true form.    He played in the mud....and there was a LOT of wet dirt/sand around.  The kind that built up on your shoes with each step.   weighing you down.   ugh.  you had to find it.   It wasn't just out the cabin door.  You had to look for the mess.

oooh he would always play in the mud moments before we were going in the car, on our way to an activity, a meal, our friends cabin.    He played in the mud and then got in my open (his sister didn't lock it) van and crawled ALL THE FUCK OVER MY SEATS and dash and console (to be fair, Nate did too).   I have no idea how that kid got so much mud everywhere....but if anyone can...it's my Ry guy and his side kick twin.   

He has also taken to peeing everywhere BUT the toilet.
He just pulls em down and lets it go.   Nathan will do this if we are outside.  it's lovely let me tell you.  just not when we are at the park eating lunch with 50 some odd people from the big boys pre school (parents/ teacher and students) fieldtrip.  Oh yes he did.  Nate just dropped trou' and let it go.   I couldn't get to him fast enough to stop the flow and once they've started there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Sadly though.   Ryan decided to pee in the kid's camp room right in the middle of the carpeted floor. 
I was building a fort with Cam only a few feet away.  
He peed in a mud puddle and then danced in it...but whatever.  
He peed downstairs from the kids camp on the game room cement floor between the lunch tables we set up and the ping pong table.   In his defense.....J had tried to take him potty but the bathroom was being used.
He got OUT of the pool in St. George.   walked to the side of the pool.....pulled down his swim trunks and let it go.  
right back in to the pool !!!!! 
OMG !   I was SOOOO embarassed.   I was also by the kiddie pool and there was no way to get to him in time...it happens so fast. and so I just acted like I didn't see it.     J had her back to him and didn't see a thing.    (oh my hell....the blood still rushes to my head just thinking about that)

I could go on and on with the crap this kid pulls.     He doesn't play with toys....he destroys them.  
You can see it in his eyes....he scans for trouble.  If you take one thing from him...his eyes immediately go walking for the next item to dump/break/throw/put in his mouth.    It's amazing to watch some days.
He runs from you.  Unless you want him to go play, and then he's stuck to your leg.   
There is just no winning.   

My body and mind were tired.   I started sharing my feelings with anyone who would listen.    I would vocally refer to him as "the little bastard" "the devil"  "spawn of satan"  "trouble"   all the while this monster with dimples was playing in the area within ear shot.
I was joking (kind of) but still.    What the hell was I thinking.

(trumpets)  CHANGE !!!!
I decided to be the most happy and positive mom this kid had every seen.   I started telling him how great it was when he would only throw one of my books down the stairs.   And when he'd go to get it to throw back down.....(before throwing) I would say...."thanks buddy.  thanks for getting that book from the stairs.  that's one of my favorites.  thanks for putting it back and not throwing it again"   
He of course would chuck it back down the stairs and I would look away, blind to it all and not throw a fit and ask him over and over what was wrong with him.
And then.   I asked him with my best princess voice (for you Carey) "no buddy.....lets not dump that...mama just cleaned that and I worked very hard today...lets put it back ok."  and the mother fucker did.  He put it back.  and I squeezed him and hugged him and praised the shit out of him.
We did this for several days.   Ok....so today is several as in 3.    I've been holding him a ton.   Giving him my undivided attention.   Telling him how much I love him and what a great kid he is.  My big helper.  Such a nice brother.
Making huge big deals out of nothings.  I haven't been harsh or raised my voice ONCE in three days to the kid.
It's WORKING.   Honestly.....today, I can't tell you one thing that he did.   Not one.   He didn't pee on my floor.   He didn't make a mess.   He didn't dump anything out.    He has been the best kid.   today.

I feel like a complete schmuck and a total loser for letting it get to this point before trying something different.
I feel like such a bitch for the way I treated him and more so the way I felt.
I am also so excited to see that it's working and that with a LOT of patients, love and nurturing....he might not need medication in school at all. 
I feel like I've tried the loving mom route before.   but I wasn't as consistent like this time.   I also didn't spend the extra energy to hold him and cuddle him and tell him what a great kid he was ALL of the time.
I so hope this transformation is here to stay.    I hope that I can prove the theory that even the worst kid can be the best kid with enough love.
I mean HELLO-OH.   Isn't it I who always quotes.  "those who deserve love the least, need it the most"
I'm slow folks.  but glad I got here.

I love you Ry guy.  You make my life a lot less boring.
I like you a whole lot too.

A few pictures that we happily allowed and took of my guy doing his thing.      I mean....he has a passion for being dirty.   You gotta let them do it, even if it's on their terms.




just finished a little camping potty

also remember.  it's not even 60 degrees. 

He looks as if he was the one who got those carts behind him muddy.  Nope. 
(that was his mommies :)

I always said to him....you're lucky you're cute.   truth is.  I'm pretty lucky he's cute :)