What started out to be an issue with my daughter has really caused me to throw my own what's left of it faith on the table. Where it's flown out the door.
Sydney is almost 8 years old. 8 years old in Utah is a big deal. 8 years old is when a child is baptized to be a member of the LDS church. To become A Mormon. (insert trumpets and church bells)
Lots of the kids at school and in our neighborhood that are around Sydney are getting baptized and its brought up some questions and interesting conversations.
Sydney came home the other day and told J that, "she said that unless I goes to church and gets baptized I will have a circle of fire around me and will burn up."
She slept over at her grandma's house Saturday night and apparently told her, "we don't go to church, if we don't go to church we are bad people."
Let me just take a deep breath before I continue on.
I have always had a hard time with some religious people in that so much of their prophesying is based completely on fear, guilt and judgement.
On one hand they tell you what a forgiving and wonderful God he is, how he is our "father" and loves us. And then they turn around and teach you that if you don't follow
There is so much fire and damnation hidden behind every sugar coated lesson and hymn.
I feel like so many Mormon parents use religion as their go to guide for parenting. A scapegoat.
We don't drink alcohol because Heavenly Father told us not to. We don't drink caffeine or hot drinks because Heavenly Father told us not to. We aren't promiscuous because our Heavenly Father told us not to. We don't drink, swear, rat our hair....because God says it's bad.
Do the right thing because you want to be obedient....you want to be a good child of god. Which translates to a child....if you mind you are good. if you disobey you are bad. I think that puts God in a pretty bad position if you ask me.
If you tell a child that in order to be obedient and a good member of the church.....you need to get baptized. What does that say to that child if someone doesn't ?
That they are disobedient and bad ?
We were taught that Jesus gave his life for our sins. Which I've never really understood because if he already gave his life for our sins....then why are we still paying for them. If he made it possible for all of us to have eternal exaltation by taking away our sins then how is it that a member of it's church can tell us that we still can't sin in order to have eternal exaltation.
The other problem with Religion is, it's run by religious people. Everyone comes away with a different experience. Unfortunately....so many, so many that I know (no, not just gay people), are coming away with experiences like mine.
Lets not forget though that mine was a religion that just recently reminded my Mormon family....that my being gay was equal in sin to being a child molester and murderer. Are you fucking kidding me.
3 times I tried to kill myself in my late teens. Only once was I serious and came close to losing my life. All because I didn't want to be this awful thing that I was taught gay people were. I was as bad as a Child Molester. A Murderer. I deserved to die. (of course taking my own life was also a ticket to hell as well ....ya can't win :) Lots of religions teach this.
Back story.
6 years of trying to get pregnant and I did what I have always been taught. To pray. I prayed and promised and begged for a child. I told "heavenly father" that I would promise to teach my child about him if he would just let me have a baby.
And then I had Sydney.
We had more kids and J and I sat and talked about how we would let our kids go to the Mormon church so that they could make friends in the neighborhood. build life long relationships. that's what it took. that was the common denominator. (this hasn't been the case for us by the way)
A lot has happened. A lot has changed.
and unfortunately I'm breaking the promise I thought I made. He probably knew that already though, right ?
I've learned so much in my quest for the truth.
I've listened and learned about other religions. I can't count the times I've shaken my head in question of the weird things other religions believe and follow. The strange customs and traditions. And through that I've been able to look in the window of the church I followed for so many years. The weird rituals and beliefs that they do and believe and once again I shake my head. Things they do because their parents did it and their parents did it and their parents did it.
One question is all it takes to bring down your entire faith system. Just questioning one tiny little thing. and if you don't believe that, what about the rest of it ? If that's not true, then what is ? All it takes is one thread to start the unraveling.
I've let myself undo a lot of what was ingrained upon me since birth. From the time you are born you are "taught". some say brainwashed...I'll just say taught with a wink and parenthesis.
It's been the hardest thing to let go of those teachings. The guilt I've felt. There is a lot of deprogramming when you leave the church. Or it's been that way for me. Am I free of it ? No. Not completely.
I am comfortable with who I am now. That my life is not one of sin. I don't believe that I'm going to hell. I don't believe that I'm going to burn and turn into a pillar of salt. I don't believe a lot of it.
There isn't one right way. I don't believe for one second that any one religion has it right. Has all the answers. Has the direct line to God. And I know that anyone who is truly faithful to their church will disagree with me whole heartedly.
And that's ok. SO many people that I love and care about are god fearing people. Mormon.
That's what I love most about it. We all have the freedom to choose.
So what started with a little 8 year old girl in the neighborhood telling my little soon to be 8 year old that she needed to be baptized......helped me to see the light. My own little albeit dim but still burning spiritual light that I have in me. And as I strip away some of the things that don't matter....this little light of mine.....is gonna shine. :)
Dear God, it's me Karen.
I know I promised to teach my children about you and I think that I am.
I'm teaching my children to love unconditionally. to be honest. to be true to themselves. to treat others with kindness and respect. to not judge. and to be the best people that they can be. I will tell them to always be grateful and humble and that when they see something one day on a hike or driving through the country so beautiful it takes their breath away or when they are suddenly filled with such warmth in their hearts, that they can thank you for that. That their spirits are a part of something so much bigger....and to always be thankful.
To me. those are the greatest lessons I can teach them.
Thank you for trusting me with them.
Love,
Me !
22 comments:
I can relate to what you've written. The church I grew up in was United and it isn't God fearing or judgmental. But it's still something I have a hard time really believing and holding on to. It's so dull to attend church. It doesn't sing to me or make me feel anything. I believe in God on a certain level but I don't feel comfortable with the preaching and the judging and the hating that church brings out in people. I have a hard time with religion.
We thought we'd raise our kids in the United church and let them get to know it and choose for themselves. But truth be told, I can't bring myself to go to church and so the kids learn little bits here and there about religion. About what people believe. They learn heaven and love and forgiveness and being good. Those are what church is really about, isn't it? Loving your fellow man? Learning to be kind. I think you don't need church to know that the idea behind it would be love and appreciation for what you have.
So wonderfully said! I applaud your honesty. The end had me tearing up :)
I too was raised Mormon. I too denounced the teachings and belief systems of the Mormon church. I too am raising a child outside of an structured church system. I too am teaching him to be truthful, compassionate, to love unconditionally, to cry when it hurts, to cherish each moment, to not fear the future, to believe in life after death, and to believe he can make a difference in the world.
My story is a little different. I started my journey with the Divine when I was six and my father "taught" me how Daddy's love their little girls. And then told me it was my fault and I was going to burn in hell. It was the same lesson I learned a few years later from the father and older brother of an elementary school friend. (Also Elders in good standing in the Mormon church.)My struggle with coming to terms with the sexual abuse I endured included my struggle to define God, faith, belief and truth. I progressed from Mormon to atheist to agnostic to pagan to Christian to pagan to a belief centered in the native teachings of the Lakota.
Its a hard journey to become an adult in relationship to the Divine. I believe that religion in general keeps us children and that you can be spiritual without church.
I don't believe in sin. I believe in being responsible for your actions and accepting the consequences. I believe in treating others as you wish to be treated. I believe in loving with all my heart. I believe sex is a right and necessary part of our existence. I believe in telling the truth.
Great post. I'm here if you ever need someone to bounce stuff off of.
Thank you for the thoughtful post. It's one of those moments in parenthood when you realize that religion is something you have to figure out - will it be in your life, how much, in what capacity - how will you talk about it. All thing I had not originally thought about, now that the time is here it does take up a portion. But I love what you said at the end- really what is most important (In my opinion) is that we are raising good people - and you are doing an excellent job at tat.
Karen, I believe in Jesus Christ, but I don't believe in certain rules imposed by the church, as the issue of my sexual orientation. I suffered a lot, I felt guilt and asked God to take me to heaven I've thought the wrong way and not going to suffer for it. Like you, I was raised in a religion, Baptist, parents, siblings, relatives ... Everyone in my family is baptist. And I? I' m also, but I'm a lesbian and no one will tell me I'm going to hell. I know God loves me and I'm so happy to have met a different God than I was taught to me.
I'm not going to church much as I used to go, but I pray, I talk a lot with God and trying to live in peace with everyone.
I hope that your kids you can understand that Jesus Christ is that God does not teach that in many religions. I hope that Syd did not feel much need to please a social tax for most. I hope she can deal with the conflict of his friends.
Do you know the movie "As the Bible says?" This movie really helped me. I am grateful to God for having watched this movie, Karen!
God will not put any child no matter what their sins into a hell fire. I would like to invite you to read http://minigoodtale.wordpress.com where the true word is delivered and proven.
I wrote, recently, where I stand on all of this. I don't look forward to explaining the words of an 8 yo to Glory. Making a decision to be baptized at 8 seems wrong for a million reasons.
You're a great parent. All the lessons you're teaching them matter more than any "act" you do just for show.
xoxo.
:: applause ::
I love this post so much!
I struggle with many things too, I just don't believe that "if your gay/lesbian/don't accept god into your life" your going to burn in hell... I can't imagine my loving God doing that. If your a good, honest, giving, kind, judge-less.......... (I could go on and on)person then I think your guaranteed a place in heaven... I also think that the good lord takes care of our departed pets until we join them... THAT's a whole different discussion eh!? :-)
I love you and think our awesome!
Well said, well written, well put. Thank you.
Couldn't agree with everything you wrote more!! Navigating how to explain such divisive issues for the wee ones is so challenging. Hopefully Syd will find peace and strength in your differences and not believe the negativity that she hears. That to me is the focus. I don't believe in any of the organized religions really. Through tradition/culture, we're Jewish but definitely more spiritually aware than religious for sure!
Thank you for this.
First of all I think that 8 is too young to decide whether you want to be a member of any church. It's not the kids "decision" but rather forced upon them as this is just what happens. I don't like any organized religions, and I have many friends who are good people and not religious. We too are teaching our kids to be good people. Once Summer's mom told us that she just wanted our kids to know HIM, that HE can save them. I told her that I want my kids to make good choices and that if they don't there are consequences of that choice, not that Jesus will be mad. Anyway we have been talking religion a lot lately. Summer and I are kind of on different pages trying to meet in the middle. I think that there is no true religion, that we all pray to the same GOD. God loves us all no matter what. Religion is good for some people who need that in their life, but not every one does. I personally suffered a lot while in the church due to guilt. Now that I don't have to follow any rules, other than to be a good citizen, I am the happiest I have ever been! I do not miss the church at all and I do not plan on attending church ever again. Camden has asked about the CTR rings his friends have. I told him they were rings from their church and he would have to go to church to get one. He said no way! Anyway we just read a book called "No More Good Byes". Very good and interesting read. You should check it out if you havent already.
Good blog post by the way!
Have you looked at Unitarian Universalism? It looks like it might be a good fit for your family. I think it's nice to be around others who believe the things you are saying!
Thanks everyone for your comments.
I followed up on the link suggested...very good information there.
Anon. We do have a Unitarian church. We've been (pre kids) and really liked it. It's 30 minutes from my house.
Call me spoiled, but being Mormon in Utah means that there is a church on every damn corner. I can't imagine driving an hour to and from church. I guess if it meant more to me...maybe.
I'm actually interested in checking out the Buddhist church. Again...15 minutes away. geesh :)
For what it's worth, I think raising loving, accepting, thinking human beings is the core of our role as parents - keep up the great work on that front.
I don't have 'faith' at all, but if there is a God I'm sure he'd be horrified by religion and the things hateful, intolerant people do and say, allegedly in his name.
Cheers,
Bridg
I always love what you have to say, and this time was no different. One huge *NOD* from the island.
And some bravos as well.
I am sorry that your daughter (and soon to be your sons), are hearing this messge, that they are disobedient and going to fry. People are stupid.
I think God is bigger than any human mind can comprehend, and that the crap about fearing God is one way that humankind has tried to "understand" God. I think God will meet us anywhere on our journey. I think we can meet God anywhere on our journey, too.
I am LDS, but IMO, more LDS people have driven people from God, than the doctrine (not humankind's misunderstanding of the doctrine).
For the reasons you describe, I have chosen, and with prayful confirmation, to not raise my LDS kids in Utah. Too much crap masquerading as doctrine. God, not people should provide a sense of well-being, self-esteem, and aceeptance. Good luck.
You are a wonderful, caring, thoughtful mom and I'm not sure what else matters.
If I was ever to decide for our family to be involved in a church it would need to be one that accepted all people equally and wasn't based on guilt. I just don't see how guilt can teach you anything but fear and what good is that?
It makes me really sad to think that you attempted suicide because a group of people made you feel like you were worthless. I will never understand how that thinking helps this world.
Oh, and I'm the one that couldn't bring myself to read my daughter a book called "God Loves Me" without changing the word God to Mommy. I'm just not equipped to explain it to her when i don't even understand myself. It all sounds so fake to me, like Santa (who I also have a hard time lying about).
I think it's so much more about being a good person than believing in a god.
OH, good god, Cricket. what is wrong with people?????? I just don't understand what goes through someones mind when they sexually abuse a child. It literally makes me sick. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Religion these days frustrates me almost as much as politics. The thought of another child telling my child that they'll have a circle of fire around them and burn up is just... ridiculous. We are Christians but it's been awhile since we've had a church that felt like home. Raising loving, accepting, honest children is my goal, too.
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