Sunday, February 5, 2012

I bitch U bitch

My wife is cheating on me.
She has been for a while.    I've pleaded with her.    Given her shit.   I've even given her the ultimatum.   
Thing is.....I always said that I'd NEVER allow myself to be that woman whose wife has an affair on.  
And here I am.   and I am BITTER.

What ?   So she's having an affair with her i-fucking-phone.   same thing.
Damn thing gets more face time than her family.    (and J, don't come up in here all defensive and try and lie to these people about how it's not that bad......first step is the hardest any kind of addiction.....and if you try and sway them....I will delete your comments)

It all started with that damn angry birds stupid fucking app.   I hate that damn game.   If I hear the music my whole mood changes.
She has her eyes and fingers on her phone more than she has had on me in 14 years.
(ok, so fine, I'm being slightly dramatic, but that's the way I feel)

We are driving down the street.   She's on her phone.
Eating in our house, at a restaurant.  popcorn in a theater  She's on her phone.
After coming home from work.   She changes and then either eats while checking her phone or is just sitting in the chair on her phone.
While watching TV.  even a movie.  She's on her phone.
Putting the littles to sleep.   She's on her phone.
Sitting at her kids dance practice.  She's on her phone.
We can be playing GAMES.  CARD GAMES.  and her ass will be checking fucking sports scores, twitter updates, texts, facebook.  on her phone.  between plays.

Tonight while we were watching the superbowl at my parents house.   She was plugging away on her phone.  and I said, "Hey J, how about we agree to 1 electronic device at a time."
I don't even think she gave me a dirty look.   but she kept on sliding her finger across i-bitches belly.
On the way home, (we had to leave the superbowl a little early because of the kids bedtimes) she was giving me the play by plays down to the last second.  (which I was happy to hear, yes, I totally know that's a double standard. and GOOOO Giants) and then after it was over.   tweet, tweet, google, tweet, check, read.    
I started a fight and so she put the damn thing away and said, "so are you going to talk to me now that I put my phone away"  and I said, "No !  because now I'm mad at you"

So here I sit.  plugged in.   and she's downstairs flipping between the horror that still unfolds on the news about the Josh Powell case and probably sports updates.   and.  playing on her i-fucking-phone.

I hate that i-bitch !
and we just can't seem to come to a middle ground.  
So once again honey.   It's ME OR THE PHONE !!!!
P.S.  if you choose the phone, you will then be breaking the non marriage agreement and I get everything. 
including THE DAMN PHONE ! 
good news'll get the kids and then you won't have any time for another phone :)
so please.  Please.  come to your senses woman.
I can't be held responsible for what might happen to your lady friend if you don't.


Stacy said...

That is effing hilarious. Well more for me...
Sorry your competition is a celly.
Stop making her meals, make Siri do it. Then maybe she'll see your worth.

Lisa Cannon said...

Hilarious! You just need to get one, too!

Rebecca said...

Hi , first comment here, i,ve been reading ur blog for a few weeks now, ans seriously, I don't know how u do it, with 5 kids and all, gee I try to put myself in your shoes and go crazy just thinking about it. About ur situation, all I can say is it could had been worse.... She could be hooked on to second life and interactive games... That's my other half' addiction and that she is f****g dangerous, all the time, whenever she is not working she is in the freaking computer talking/ playing with those second life no life freaks ( with all do respect, but it is just frustrating) and she won't let go of the freaking I stupid phone either....

Whitney said...

My girlfriend of 9 years is the SAME WAY!
We're even currently long distance (work, grad school) and we see each other every 3-4 months and she's completely absorbed with the phone. I'll ask her a question and she wont' reply... because she's "looking up the answer" ... and playing Words with Friends.
I have an iPhone too, but it doesn't mean that I'm suddenly acting like an asshat. I feel ya, sister.

Amanda said...

My wife has been cheating on me with i-bitch's sister i-pad bitch so I can totally relate! This post made my morning!

Stacey said...

I hear you. My wife is like that too and it drives me nuts. But then again, now we play games against each other from her iPhone to my iPod and tease each other so it's like an electronic board game...way better than doing things separately on those devices at least. lol

Two Moms said...

OMG best thing I have read all day. I'm sorry your dealing with this but I have had a really crappy weekend and this is the first thing that has made me smile today. Thanks for sharing.

Selmada said...

so do you think she tweeted about your blog post?

Amy said...

Hilarious!! But damn, I'm guilty too, its definitely an addiction : /


lol ... I like your funny way of dealing with the problems of everyday life.
J. ahahahahahaha think about it ... forget this phone .... ahahahahaha

Lex said...

I call my wife's iPhone the iMistress. It sucks - I know how you feel :(

Jess said...

I HEAR you and FEEL your pain! Sometimes I want to cram that phone up Mere's a@#!!