Monday, April 23, 2012

So much of not a lot to say !

I love that this is someplace that I can come and write.  
I love that I have so many friends both in real life and not, that come here to read.
I hate that I feel like there are some things that are off limits.
I hate that I feel stifled and unable to freely talk.

That said.   Someone close to me wrote a suicide letter tonight.   I knew it would come to that.   I knew that he was hurting and lost.   I have felt a bit resigned as I've come to deal with this coming threat.  and yet.  when I heard that it was real and written it hurt.   It burns me and I'm filled with guilt as a non participating witness to it all.   And the reasons for me being in the bleachers is my own doing.   I should have been more present.   available.   understanding.  caring.  loving.
But it can be draining and all of the reasons he's suicidal are exhausting and could be endless.

When he got to the store to buy a gun he only then realized that he forgot his wallet and as fate would have it when he got home, someone else had returned and found the note and had already called 911.

He's safe now.   He's at the hospital where they will try and clear his mind a bit.  but he's quiet.  and calm.  and the fight is out of him.   He's now resigned and wants to go.

His note said that he loved them.  his wife.   left them both with the only things that he loved.
He's done.

I'm sad that he is sick.   I'm sad that he feels hopeless.   I'm sad that I've done nothing to help him.   I'm sad that he's sad.
I hope he finds what he needs and can live.  happily.
I need him to live.   I need him to know that I love him.   I need him.

9 comments:

Kathy said...

I hear your pain and his desparation in your words Karen. Suicide is always such a hard subject that comes with a whole plethera of emotions on both sides of the letter. Please know that I am here if you need someone to vent to or speak with or process with. It is important for those around him to also process their feelings regarding this. Good luck.

Stacy said...

What a difficult post to write and I'm sure to process. We always feel like we could have done more, that we should have been more present. But sometimes we just can't be. And it's not something we should fault ourselves for. We also have to take care of ourselves and our families.

Hugs to you and your friend Karen. I hope he can find his joy.

DaniKel said...

I'm sorry. Not sure what else to say. I can feel the pain you feel, and the pain that he has been feeling in your words. Don't beat yourself up. Be there for him. And make sure you talk to someone also. This affects you, someone who loves him, so you need to make sure you are dealing and getting help and understanding also.

I know this was a hard thing to post. To put into words, and let the world read. There are lots of things that I would like to talk about, but can't or won't, cause they are too personal. Hugs to you, and to him, and to all who are dealing with this.

Harman Farm said...

I'm so sorry. My brother committed suicide in 1999; and I never saw it coming. It is one of the hardest things to deal with...and you just don't know what to do.

anofferingoflove said...

how incredibly scary. im glad to read he is okay, and getting some help now. sending ((hugs)) to you - be gentle on yourself, this isn't your fault.

Anonymous said...

I once wrote a letter. I took the pills and had my stomach pumped the next day when I woke up. I was so surprised to be awake another day. I let someone else have too much control of my emotions. I have had 2 friends commit suicide since. There's no options when your in that moment, but he is safe, removed from the moment he will heal. I am healed and am truly thankful of what I have become at this point in my life. Thank you for caring about him. He needs that comfort. We all need to know someone out there needs us.

Heather said...

Hi I’m Heather! Please email me when you get a chance! I have a question about your blog. HeatherVonsj(at)gmail(dot)com

amy said...

i'm glad that he's safe and has another chance... and whatever lesson you were suppose to learn through this experience didn't involve more tragedy!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your friend, it takes a lot of strength to actually go through with taking your own life. I hope whatever it is that is making him feel like he has no options, will be resolved with time. I'm glad someone found his note, and that he forgot his wallet. Please, take care of yourself, it's always hard when we feel like we are responsible for things like this in some way. Sending positive healing thoughts to your friend, and for you to forgive yourself for what you might or might not have done.

Leslie