Tubular !

We went tubing at a place called Soldier Hollow with some good friends today.    We got a groupon for 1/2 off and 1/2 off is good people.
This place takes reservations, so they don't over crowd the hill which is even better.

The little boys didn't get to go last time we went and we were super excited to take them down the hills.
Ryan refused to get on his tube hooked on the pulley to take you up the hill.    Eventually I threw him in and yelled...."go go go !" to the girl running the line :)  3 tubes later he jumped out of his and they had to stop the whole damn thing.     I talked the girl into letting him ride on my lap on the way up.   She agreed "this ONE time" and that's all he needed.    After going down his first snow hill at 26 mph....he was hooked.
We played for 2 hours, had some hot chocolate and went home.
SO much fun !

Our group minus 3.  

Ryan and his Mommy J, the umbilical cord that he has hooked to her is hiding under his coat :)

Nate on the other hand would have gone down alone and in front of everyone in line.   Thanks to his super great big sister he got to go down with her almost the whole time.  They both had so much fun.

I'm only gonna say cheese one more time woman.   LAST PICTURE.

J splitting up the hot chocolate in the lodge after.

Spencer and Cam blew bubbles into their hot chocolate to cool it down.

It didn't really work so we went outside and grabbed a couple of chunks of ice from the deck and threw them in .   Cooled it right down.   A little gritty...but what the hell !

Wordless Wednesday

Dear God, it's me Karen.

**note: This post is of my own religious unraveling and is not meant to offend anyone**

What started out to be an issue with my daughter has really caused me to throw my own what's left of it faith on the table.   Where it's flown out the door.
Sydney is almost 8 years old.    8 years old in Utah is a big deal.   8 years old is when a child is baptized to be a member of the LDS church.   To become A Mormon.  (insert trumpets and church bells)
Lots of the kids at school and in our neighborhood that are around Sydney are getting baptized and its brought up some questions and interesting conversations.
Sydney came home the other day and told J that, "she said that unless I goes to church and gets baptized I will have a circle of fire around me and will burn up."
She slept over at her grandma's house Saturday night and apparently told her, "we don't go to church, if we don't go to church we are bad people."

Let me just take a deep breath before I continue on.  

I have always had a hard time with some religious people in that so much of their prophesying is based completely on fear, guilt and judgement.
On one hand they tell you what a forgiving and wonderful God he is, how he is our "father" and loves us.  And then they turn around and teach you that if you don't follow their  his words that you will go to hell, not have an eternal family, burn and fall to a pillar of salt.  (yes I know that I am giving 1 extreme to the next)
There is so much fire and damnation hidden behind every sugar coated lesson and hymn.
I feel like so many Mormon parents use religion as their go to guide for parenting.   A scapegoat.
We don't drink alcohol because Heavenly Father told us not to.   We don't drink caffeine or hot drinks because Heavenly Father told us not to.   We aren't promiscuous because our Heavenly Father told us not to.     We don't drink, swear, rat our hair....because God says it's bad.
Do the right thing because you want to be obedient....you want to be a good child of god.   Which translates to a child....if you mind you are good.   if you disobey you are bad.    I think that puts God in a pretty bad position if you ask me.    
If you tell a child that in order to be obedient and a good member of the church.....you need to get baptized.  What does that say to that child if someone doesn't ?
That they are disobedient and bad ?

We were taught that Jesus gave his life for our sins.    Which I've never really understood because if he already gave his life for our sins....then why are we still paying for them.    If he made it possible for all of us to have eternal exaltation by taking away our sins then how is it that a member of it's church can tell us that we still can't sin in order to have eternal exaltation.

The other problem with Religion is, it's run by religious people.    Everyone comes away with a different experience.     Unfortunately....so many, so many that I know (no, not just gay people), are coming away with experiences like mine.
Lets not forget though that mine was a religion that just recently reminded my Mormon family....that my being gay was equal in sin to being a child molester and murderer.   Are you fucking kidding me.
3 times I tried to kill myself in my late teens.  Only once was I serious and came close to losing my life.   All because I didn't want to be this awful thing that I was taught gay people were.   I was as bad as a Child Molester.   A Murderer.   I deserved to die.   (of course taking my own life was also a ticket to hell as well ....ya can't win :)  Lots of religions teach this.

Back story.
6 years of trying to get pregnant and I did what I have always been taught.   To pray.   I prayed and promised and begged for a child.   I told "heavenly father" that I would promise to teach my child about him if he would just let me have a baby.
And then I had Sydney.
We had more kids and J and I sat and talked about how we would let our kids go to the Mormon church so that they could make friends in the neighborhood.  build life long relationships.  that's what it took.  that was the common denominator.  (this hasn't been the case for us by the way)

A lot has happened.   A lot has changed.
and unfortunately I'm breaking the promise I thought I made.    He probably knew that already though, right ?

I've learned so much in my quest for the truth.
I've listened and learned about other religions.   I can't count the times I've shaken my head in question of the weird things other religions believe and follow.   The strange customs and traditions.    And through that I've been able to look in the window of the church I followed for so many years.   The weird rituals and beliefs that they do and believe and once again I shake my head.   Things they do because their parents did it and their parents did it and their parents did it.

One question is all it takes to bring down your entire faith system.    Just questioning one tiny little thing.  and if you don't believe that, what about the rest of it ?   If that's not true, then what is ?  All it takes is one thread to start the unraveling.

I've let myself undo a lot of what was ingrained upon me since birth.   From the time you are born you are "taught".  some say brainwashed...I'll just say taught with a wink and parenthesis.
It's been the hardest thing to let go of those teachings.  The guilt I've felt.  There is a lot of deprogramming when you leave the church.   Or it's been that way for me.    Am I free of it ?   No.  Not completely.
I am comfortable with who I am now.   That my life is not one of sin.    I don't believe that I'm going to hell.   I don't believe that I'm going to burn and turn into a pillar of salt.    I don't believe a lot of it.

There isn't one right way.   I don't believe for one second that any one religion has it right.    Has all the answers.   Has the direct line to God.   And I know that anyone who is truly faithful to their church will disagree with me whole heartedly.
And that's ok.   SO many people that I love and care about are god fearing people.  Mormon.
That's what I love most about it.   We all have the freedom to choose.

So what started with a little 8 year old girl in the neighborhood telling my little soon to be 8 year old that she needed to be baptized......helped me to see the light.   My own little albeit dim but still burning spiritual light that I have in me.    And as I strip away some of the things that don't matter....this little light of mine.....is gonna shine.  :)

Dear God, it's me Karen.  
I know I promised to teach my children about you and I think that I am.
I'm teaching my children to love unconditionally.   to be honest.   to be true to themselves.   to treat others with kindness and respect.  to not judge.  and to be the best people that they can be.  I will tell them to always be grateful and humble and that when they see something one day on a hike or driving through the country so beautiful it takes their breath away or when they are suddenly filled with such warmth in their hearts, that they can thank you for that.  That their spirits are a part of something so much bigger....and to always be thankful.
To me.  those are the greatest lessons I can teach them.
Thank you for trusting me with them.
Love,
Me !

This Moment Friday

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Ok, so I forgot my camera.   But I took the kids bowling and for pizza after hitting the Treehouse Museum.   All but the last 5 minutes was AWESOME !   you know, with a 1 adult to 5 kid ratio.

Theme Thursday

And the theme seems to be CAM !
Yesterday, January 18th, 2012.  Cameron lost his very first tooth.    He also swallowed it. :)

Syd told us the very first time her tooth moved that very first degree in her mouth.   and we heard about every single degree change after.  And the day it finally was either pulled, knocked out or fell out, was a big deal.
Cam was talking to me Tuesday and his bottom teeth looked wacked.   I asked to see them and realized one was damn near out.   I asked to pull it.   he refused to let me.   I tried to convince him.   he stood his ground.    Such a difference.
I think as I wiped his tears away and comforted him about how we could write the tooth-fairy a letter and explain to her that he swallowed it, I might have said, "see, that's why you should have let me pull it."  but I'm not exactly sure.   But lets just agree that I was right.

This is what a smile looks like when you say smile buddy and show me your missing tooth.

Prooooooooooooooogreeeeeessssssssss with vibraaaaatooooo !

I wanted SOOOO badly to tell you this yesterday....but it was all wordless on Wednesday so I had to wait.
But like the pictures from wordless wednesday it had to do with my Cam man dude guy so I'll share it today.

I'm peeing a little.  This is all so exciting.  I can't even TELL you how happy I am today.
So.  last week.  or it could have been a month ago at this point I'm still in a bit of a fog and can't really remember what today is.
Any ways.  what was I saying ?
OH RIGHT !  last whenever. I normally leave the choice of vegetable up to my children who actually eat them.  Nate didn't really have a chance to put his 2 cents in before Cam offered up CORN !   Whatever.   I've heard these empty threats before.   I've eaten my fair share of cold corn off of some wasteful schmucks plate.
This time he wanted me to know he was serious.   As I was putting the foods in their separated places on their plates... I served up the standard 2-3 kernels of  corn on Spencer and Cameron's plates.   Cameron stood with his chin to the counter and asked for more.   I let a couple more kernels fall from the tip of the spoon.  He then requested "LOTS MORE" excitedly....so I heaped a spoon full filling the small area which is normally void of any attention.....he took his plate and walked to the table.
As I headed back to the table with drinks for everyone I noticed Cam shoveling (and I mean fist fulls, not even using a fork) of corn into his mouth.
(jaw drops to floor right ?)
He did it again with peas a few nights or a couple of weeks later.   NO SHIT !
My kid who won't eat ANYTHING that is said to grow in dirt ate corn and then peas.

and if you mention that they aren't really even vegetables...that they are the crappy sugar filled ones that don't have any nutritional value....I'll stab out your eyes with a corn husk.  because DAMN IT HE ATE VEGETABLES.
It's been 2 years people.

SO WAIT !  IT GETS BETTER !
I make fruit smoothies for them.   I use the frozen bag of mixed berries from Costco.  Blueberries blackberries raspberries etc.    I add yogurt a banana and milk and blend.   It's delicious.   Everyone loves them.   EXCEPT FOR CAM !
"they have chunks mom"
so I would blend it until there was nothing but smooth
"I can still taste it mom.  it's crunchy"
referring to the seeds.
I offered it every time...just like you are supposed to and either one of the other kids would drink it after everyone left the table....or it was wasted and washed down the drain.

Yesterday.   Cam drank his smoothie.    THE WHOLE DAMN THING.  almost.
just drank it up.
AND WHAT HE DOESN'T KNOW IS I ADD DROPS OF VITAMINS IN IT TOO !!!!!!
and sometimes I add it to his drink at night.

HA !

He's gettin healthy for Christmas.  Mommy and mama are glad.

I can't tell you how much hope this gives me.  
It's that there is a chance of him eating something besides crackers, chicken nuggets and PB&J's.
safkleh;lkdjfa;ljelhlrkajeslkjdhfkealksfjdalksjd;lkjawoieruaovie;laj;lja;lekf;ljks;ljkdf;alje;lajs;ljdddseqqqlkaj'e
uuuuh.  sorry.  I must have lost consciousness with all of this joy and hope in me.

This was a picture from a post March 2010  Cam is 3 1/2.

Reflecting makes my heart flutter !

Wordless Wednesday

Holy shit....do you know how long it's been since I've done a wordless Wednesday ?   A long time.
I was going to title this sinusitis pressure Wednesday and post pictures of my very inflamed and over filled sinus cavities....but that's as gross as it is impossible so you'll just have to take my word for it.  

Well, I guess I screwed up another wordless Wednesday now didn't I.  
Ok,  here we go.   wordless Wednesday.

Whosyerdaddy !

Sydney came home from school this week...with my late Christmas present.
The MOST beautiful and creative calendar ever made.  (non biased opinion of course)
As I slowly poured over each and every page and detail, she would pipe in to share with me something she thought I might have over looked.
We got to May and she said excitedly, "This is for you mom.   It's Mother's Day"
And it was the best Mother's Day month page I could have ever wanted.
And then I flipped to June and she quietly explained, "I don't really have a dad."  
It was Father's Day.  there was a colored page with a man fishing in his boots and hat and the appropriate trees on the mountains and fish in the lake.

I have been purposely and selfishly avoiding the "Dad Talk"    We have explained to the kids that they don't have a dad that we are a 2 mom family.   But I haven't given them the dialogue as to why.

Part of the reasoning is because I felt like it would have to be incorporated with the whole "where do babies come from" talk.   which includes sex and doctors and where babies come out and all of the stuff that I am just not ready to describe to my 7 year old yet.....with of course the certainty that she would take said information and run with it to school to tell everyone she knows all about stirrups and catheters and ky jelly. (shudder cringe)  
But after her nervous little unsure voice told me that she didn't really have a dad, I knew that it was time.

As we all sat down at the dinner table I hushed and quieted everyone trying to get their attention.
I then gave them my definition of a dad.
"A dad or father is someone who willingly participates or is responsible for a child.   That means that a man is a dad when he takes care of a kid, loves them, plays with them, pays for their food and their clothes, helps to raise them."  
They all kept eating, playing with the crumbs on the table otherwise acting completely bored with every word that I was saying.
I gave a few examples of dads and then said, "when a baby is made, they need a part from a man and a part from a woman.   The man has something inside of him called sperm.  and the woman has something inside of her called the egg.   You need both of these things in order to make a baby."
Sydney looked at me absolutely irritated and said, "I don't get it"
So I continued, "When you put these 2 things together, either a husband and wife or a doctor can help, it makes a baby grow inside of a mama's tummy."
Sydney again, "I don't get it"
"A man donated sperm to me because I didn't have a husband to give it to me.   I had a mommy J and she has an egg not a sperm"
Sydney, the only one participating, "What happens if you put 2 eggs together ?"
Jan piped in, "nothing, you need an egg and a sperm to make a baby."
Syd, "Why. what would happen ?"
J, "Nothing would happen.  A baby wouldn't be made.  You need a sperm and an egg, that's just the way it works."
I went on, "There was a man who gave us sperm to help us to make you....but we don't know who he is and he isn't a dad, he's just a super generous man who helped us to create you guys and we are very thankful for him.    We know what color of eyes he had, and hair, and how tall he is.   We have a picture of him as a baby if you ever want to see it and we also have a CD with his voice on it."
Sydney gave me an annoyed look and then continued eating.
Nobody else acted interested at all and could have cared less that I had a picture of a man that held 1/2 of their DNA. All of Ryan's.   :)
I told them that if they ever had any questions that they could always ask me and we would talk about it.
Sydney asked J what swear words were.
yeah.
I think it was a hit.  (sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm)

I still don't feel like I gave Syd the words to use when confronted about her not having a dad.   I explained the details of how she was made (in a 7 year old dialogue) but I still need to help give her more to go with.
It was a start.


Oh. and not one of them asked me how a husband and wife make a baby or where babies come out.   :)
To me.  That = success.
I was 8 when I learned about the penis in the vergina !  I'm pretty sure that's why I'm gay today.   It was all very upsetting.  and also hilarious to know that a weener was called a penis.  ha ha ha

Christmas Want Need Read Wear !

So it's like Valentines day in a few days right, and I'm gonna post on our Christmas stuff.  What ? the weather FEELS like March weather so who the hell knows what month it is.  My head feels like an over inflated tube going down one of the sled hills here. (might I remind you.  we have NO snow) so yeah.  Between the flu and this sinus infection cold crap and then the painting and the cleaning and the....ok, enough of my pitty party table for 1.

Christmas eve we set up our presents in the family room under and around the tree for the first time since Syd was a baby.  We've been setting them up downstairs so that we can hide them from the kids.
My wife was absoLUTELY not thrilled about my new W,N,R,W tradition.    She made it VERY clear that this was not her idea of a good Christmas...that it sucked...that the kids were surely going to be disappointed.....but that she would support me in my decision to do it.
:)

It was hard for her to see 1 unwrapped present(from Santa) for each child.     It wasn't as bad as it looked but I can see how it looked sparse compared to years past.   I mean...the babies got A sword :)  ha ha

There was this one issue with Syd getting in my locked closet and finding the dry erase board that she had asked Santa for...3 days before Christmas.
She had mentioned that she was juggling the idea of an Easy Bake Oven.   An easy bake oven JUST like the one Jan bought on Black Friday like 4 months ago because Syd had mentioned it once and so what if she changed her mind from the dry erase board and we needed one and they were sold out of every fucking store in Utah before Christmas ?!  oh the pain.  the anguish.  the decision whether to buy or not to buy.
It was put in the garage per my request to return to the store because NO J.  we are sticking with the read want wear need thing....you are NOT going to do this.  stop buying shit because you *think* they'll love it.
(noted : this wasn't the only thing she tried to sabotage.....she pulled out 4 different swords for the little boys Christmas eve....she just wasn't sure which one they'd like....and had ??something else, I can't recall right now to give to one of the older boys.  sheesh  THEN.  she came up from the storage room downstairs with trucks or something....just some shit she had laying around from last Christmas that she never gave them and felt like they HAD to have them because their Christmas was going to suck ass with the few gifts we had)
SO.  THIS TIME.  THIS ONE TIME.  it worked out.   We gave Syd the Easy bake from the garage Santa (J never took it back) and we explained that we had already bought the dry erase board for her *need* and had talked to Santa about him getting her something else while she wasn't looking.   whew  close call.

They were all happy with what they got.     They weren't overwhelmed.   Plus remember.  There are 5 of them and they each play with the others toys. (well except for Syd's stuff)  So it was like getting 4 different toys.  PLUS there was candy.
Syd hated the way her Easy bake smelled when it was plugged in (freshly cooking plastic) and quickly unplugged and put it away and hasn't asked to play with it since.
Nathan was the only one who commented.    He said, "mama, where's my gun ?"   I said, "Nate, you asked for a sword."  he replied, "yeah, but a wanna gun too."
He got cowboy boots and a gun from his grandma.   He was good.

(P.S. I was the mother who said I will NEVER. NEVER have guns, swords, weapons of any kind in my house. not even the guns chiseled out of wood.  I made J swear that she wouldn't get them any.   I will mark this down as something I said I would never do and did :)

so much violence

death

and just plain evil

I do want to add that for the *wear* part of the gift.....Nathan and Ryan got dress up stuff.   A knight and a fireman costume.   Spencer and Cam both got watches that they wanted.    What ? they wear them.  :)
We still worked the categories into the wants of the kids.

After coming home from my parents house where we shared the day with my brothers and also J's mom and sister....the kids received PLENTY of fun stuff.   So sitting at home at the end of the day....J agreed that anymore would have been too much.

We're happy with Need Want Read Wear tradition that I've started in our family.   :)   I'm going to keep reminding J of that.  I suppose now would be a good time to start that since it's what....April, May already ?   sheesh...who can keep track with this warm weather.

Next I will blog about, the time I talked to my kids about their donor and what a dad is...over chicken nuggets and homemade veggie cheese soup.
Stay tuned !
 

I'm not dead.
yet.
Almost.
damn near wanted to be.
but not yet.
We've had the flu since Christmas eve. eve. and Spencer, for good measure, had it twice.
Between cleaning bedding and floors and bathrooms and laundry.
I've been doing this.....

14 foot vaulted ceilings can kiss my AYASS ! and yes.  I'm wearing safety glasses.   Turns out they fog up easy so I wasn't able to wear them very long.   Which was terrible because paint kept flecking in my eyes and made it really hard to see what I was doing :)
4 coats on that facking ceiling.  long story...bad paint....whatever.   I'm feeling it.

The second picture is down the stairs.   I actually went back over these walls after taking this picture and was able to almost double the amount of puddy that you see here.
At one point J said to me....I should have just re rocked the whole damn thing.  :)
I take credit for most of it actually.   I'm a thrower and most of the shit goes down stairs.
I throw toys and clothes and shoes.    If it goes down stairs....I throw it.
The kids now throw it.
The walls have paid for it. :)

My house is more or less one continual wall.    There isn't really a stopping point unless you get to a bedroom....so I basically painted my entire friggin house.  and the rooms that haven't been painted will either get painted or have been painted recently.
I LOVE it.   My walls look so damn clean and nice.   aaaaah.
I also can't put dirty shit away...so I've spent the last 2 days cleaning and scrubbing everything before placing it back where it belongs.   I think there is medication for this....but it sure feels nice when it's all done.

I'm off to turn my shower head on to jets with the hottest water one might stand.   and no...this isn't a, "I'm going to the shower with the one I love and I'll be back in 15 minutes"
I'm going to let the water pound against my sore upper body.   oh who am I kidding.  at this point my whole body hurts.  but the section between my shoulder blades will have to do as that's the only spot the shower head will hit successfully.

Hope everyone's New Year is started as fresh and sparkly as mine !