Friday, October 11, 2013

It's Coming out day(ly)

Oh it's not that ironic that I had a coming out moment just yesterday to share with you on Coming Out Day. :)

Spencer, my little friend maker, my invite a kid over kid....invited a new kid over.
The 2 boys talked on the know the routine, I hear on my side, "hey.  can you come over ? ok" and then I begin prompting him to, "ask him if he wants to walk home with you after school ? Make sure it's ok with his mom ? tell him that your mom wants to talk to his mom"
He handed me the phone to exchange information.  She seemed nice enough.  She wanted to walk them to our house so she could see where we me.   I love that.  I'm more concerned if the kids parents DON'T care about that kind of stuff.
She sent me a text a few minutes after school let out to reconfirm where the kids were meeting.   Seconds later all 4 kids walk in the house.  "Aiden, where's your mom buddy ?"  "I don't know"
I text her back and let her know that they all arrived safely.   She showed up 3 minutes later.
She hugged and kissed him.  Repeatedly whispered little reminders to "be nice.  be kind.  listen.  clean up after yourself.  be polite."   
I was making dinner and needed to tend to it so she joined me in the kitchen and began talking about this and that.    I always have it in the back of my mind to wait for my "come out" moment.  You know...where you slip it into the conversation all smoothly that you are a 2 mom family.  I was waiting for that perfect segue.  "No, I stay home with the kids for now.  My partner works"  Or the best is when the little boys start flappin' their gums.  They'll tell anyone, the UPS guy, the Jr. High kid selling cookie dough. "We have 2 moms. a mom and I have a mommy J too.  She's not here right now."
Nothing.  not a chance to tell her.  and the whole time she's talking I'm thinking.  I wonder if Aiden has mentioned it.   My boys are pretty open about having 2 moms.   Maybe she already knows.  It's sometimes easy to get a starting point as to what she's been taught in utah by her religion. (not that all mormons are shitty about it) but I couldn't see her garments (mormon underwear) because she was dressed for the cold weather.  damn it.
She talked about schools and how she'd love to get her younger son into private schools. (she has a 1st grader and a 14 year old son who is in private school (several other issues with him) ) She began to tell me that she didn't like that the government can tell her what material her kids teachers should use.  (this is when my heart starts pounding and pumping blood through apparently my stomach because that was the only place I could feel it circulating.  Please god don't talk about politics. which normally I can smile and nod through...but if she'll talk this shit what else might she say)
She started telling me a story about a teacher who gave 2 examples of stories she was forced to read to her 3rd grade class as part of their curriculum.  The first story and I SWEAR all of the blood went from my stomach to my ears because they were beating fast and I was almost having a hard time hearing her because I just knew that the story was going to be about a 2 mom family.
The 1st story wasn't.  It was apparently about a boy, his parents divorced, his new stepmom didn't like the 2 kids.  The dad took them in the woods camping and left them there to survive on their own.  They then walked and found help and a new family who loved and cared for them.
(sigh)  escaped that one.
The second story was about a girl who was sitting on her bed and found a hair clip that wasn't hers and wasn't her moms.   Her mom and dad weren't getting along.  and the question was asked.  "What was Jenny's thoughts about the hair clip and what did it have to do with her mom and dad fighting ?"
Good lord.
I can guarantee you that our school district would not implement these stories to a 3rd grade class.   I have no idea where she found these stories.   She said it was on FB and not in the state of Utah.

After 90 minutes of chit chat :)  she left and I said, I'll befriend you on FB so that you can send me that information.
She left.  I sent the request.  she accepted.  and guess what.  she had posted something about dumb laws and included the ban on gay marriage.  (nice) 
Another hour passed and she came to retrieve her son.   She didn't say anything.   She didn't act differently.   She thanked me, said, "we'll need to do this again" collected her son and they left.

I don't know why I get so worried about it.   Oh right.  it's because it's my kid who will ask me...."mom, why can't I play with Aiden ?   Why won't his mom let him come over to play anymore"  and I worry that she'll tell him why and then he'll tell my son why and then my son will think that there is something wrong with our family.  right.  that's why.
We've been mostly lucky.   The little girl in Syd's 1st grade class who told her that she needed to go to church in order to play with her is in her class this year.   I've asked Syd how it's going and starting the year she said that the girl wasn't being very nice to her...but since then she's said that they play at recess.   
I forget that my kids have to come out each year with new kids and new friends too.   It hasn't been an issue until this year.   Syd said to me a couple of nights ago at dinner.   Mom, when I tell people that I have 2 moms they say that I'm weird and "that's so weird" and then walk away.   
I suppose the kids and I will all experience a little extra blood flow to our stomachs.   It sucks that there has to be a reason to worry.

Ok, because I am only now getting around to blogging this and I had started it this morning...I'll leave you with a couple of pictures from this morning.

Nateman came in with some dead bugs.....which is great because they won't move so we can really examine them.  We have a Kerr jar that the kids take out and catch stuff in.  We always check them out and then set them free.  Nate was cute and had the lid on the bottle...even though the spider and worm were dead :)  
I told Nate that we needed to REALLY look at those bad boys.  and out came the microscope. (everyone should have one.  get it on ebay. they aren't THAT expensive and  my kids LOVE looking at stuff under it.  hair.  skin. salt)

dead worm

dead woodlouse spider

It's a little freaky, I won't lie.  Especially for a recovering arachnophobe.  but super cool to be able to see all of the details and little hairs.
Cameron came home (he's my microscope/telescope/all things science kid) and was begging me to, "come and see it's extractor mom"  the extractor is apparently the mouth part. :)   He looked at that thing on and off until dinner...which he ate while looking at it some more.   Surgeon.  Yip.  He'd make a great surgeon. Or maybe a forensic guy. 


Stacie said...

You are the coolest mom ever. Seriously. I'd get a microscope, but I definitely don't want to look at bugs under it. Yuck! lol

Coming out every year...that has got to be so hard. People can be so stupid, and you just never know when the stupid are among you. I love that the boys tell everyone!

Heather said...

So sad that there are still so many people who feel this way. And it's so unfair that it's the kids who suffer most.

Although, I tell myself, they probably didn't want to be friends with that person anyway. Now, let's all go have some icecream! :)

Spring said...

I didn't realize just how often we would being 'coming out' once we had kids. We frequently get asked "who's the mom?" One of us always just says we both are, here in small town South Georgia people either laugh (because they don't get it) or tell us about some gay person in their family, lol... Can't wait to get back o civilization!

Becx said...

Missed your posts... they are always entertaining!

Karen Burch said...

I think the biggest difficulty in being a lesbian mom is being a lesbian MOM. T is now 13 and a half. He constantly comes out to kids over Xbox (which might be easier than in person). Anytime someone says "that's so gay" he says in as deadly a tone as a 13 year old boy can manage, "shut your mouth. My moms are gay. If you say it again, I will boot you." Seriously, I think he's some kind of Mafia-Xbox boss because the response is, "sorry dude. That's cool." And then they use terms like, "that's stupid" or profanity. You know. But not gay.

Luckily, at his school everyone knows and the school has not only been very supportive, but has brought out the counselors, the Dean and the Principal at the slightest hint of bullying. His friends stand up for his family. (I think it helps that we are so cool.)

I am aware, however, every time we are in a situation where I have to come out, either with him or without him. I always get a little bit of cotton mouth, stumble over my words, even when doing something like adding myself to our bills, in a state that recognizes Civil Unions. I don't think that for people of our generation it will ever stop being "that moment". However, I do think that for our kid's generation there will no longer be a "moment".

Stacey Bourgeois said...

It's always awkward and you tend to run the worst case scenarios through your head. I do the religion guessing too and assume really religious people will automatically be close minded. It's not true but I guess you set yourself up for that worst case scenario so it doesn't hurt so much when it is true.

It's crazy how we always come out as parents and wonder if it will negatively impact our kids' relationships with others. So far I haven't found that to be the case and everyone is accepting and open to it.

We need a microscope--the kids would love that! Is it a children's one? Costly? Just wondering where I should get one for Christmas.

More Than Words said...

Oh geez. That's the stuff I worry about the most when thinking about Gracie's school years. It breaks my heart to think that anyone would want to call her names, talk bad about her family or worse - that some asshole parent would keep their kid from hanging out with my kid because she has 2 moms. I know some of this will happen on some level eventually. I just wish it didn't have to. It sounds like your kiddos are very proud of their family, which is great! I guess that's all you can do really... teach your kids to be proud of where they came from, to stand up for themselves and to just be good people. The thought of it still makes my stomach hurt though. :/

Stacy said...

I have those screaming thoughts in my head allllll the time!! It's like we are ONE. ;)

And can I just say that I loved the reference to the "garments". Only because I'm in the know now.

I can't wait until YOU come visit ME!! Then I'll learn even more facts about Utah. :) Hurry!!

Christine Fretwell said...

okay, so my heart was dropping out just reading along.
I live in a very liberal neighborhood and I still get a bit of a hitch worrying about the first time someone tells the kids that being gay is wrong or weird. They start school next year but they wont be the only kids in school with gay parents....well they may be the only kids in school with a single lesbian mom - sigh. Right now we just deal with the little girl down the hall who remarked that they had a lot of 'girl toys' when she saw 1 my little pony and 1 littlest petshop.
Seriously you rock.

Lisa in NJ said...

Do you really have to worry about this stuff like that? My son doesn't have many friends, and none that have gay parents that I know of, but to be honest I really wouldn't care. I would care more if you were getting drunk or smoking pot in front of my kid. LOL I guess to me having two mom's or two dad's is not a big deal and I really wouldn't give it a second thought. As long as your house was safe and resepect was given to and from everyone I'm good.

Ashleigh said...

I feel like I'm having to come out constantly too, especially because I don't "look" gay…whatever that means. Fortunately for us, Toronto (and Canada for that matter) are extremely open-minded. I've never even had someone bat an eyelash.
Has Aiden come over again?

Stacey Bourgeois said...

I miss your blog posts. No one is blogging these days.